Fic: Pumpkin Purgatory
Oct. 27th, 2008 10:41 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
drachenminaTitle: Pumpkin Purgatory
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
drachenmina
Word Count: ~900
Rating: PG
Characters: Severus Snape/Harry Potter
Summary: Someone is polluting Severus’ doorstep with fruits of the season. He is not amused.
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoat Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended
Dedicated to the lovelytorino10154 *hugs* Many thanks for the beta-read are due to the long-suffering blpaintchart and the wonderful gin_tonic *kisses them both*
Severus Snape walked around the corner into Spinner’s End, and stared suspiciously at his front doorstep. There was something on it that had not been there when he had left home this morning. Moreover, that something was of a bright orange colour that he utterly detested, bearing as it did a distinct resemblance to that hideous hue more commonly referred to as Weasley auburn.
As he cautiously neared the house, the full horror was displayed before him. It was a pumpkin; moreover, one that had been disembowelled and carved into a jack-o-lantern. The wretched thing even had the audacity to smile at him. Severus’ lips thinned. Taking aim, he gave the infernal excrescence a hefty kick with his right foot, whereupon it took a short flight down the steps and proceeded to roll a respectable distance down the hill, its lid following merrily like a discarded hubcap. Severus grunted his satisfaction and entered the house, slamming the door behind him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The next day, there were two of the blasted vegetables: one smiling happily, one frowning with obviously evil intent in lurid parody of a pair of theatre masks. Unable to stop himself, Severus picked up the cheerful one, which reminded him for some reason of Harry Blasted Potter, the Boy Who Lived to be Unattainable. He watched in utter horror as its mouth began to move, and the pumpkin began to sing:
Cauliflowers fluffy
Cabbages green
Strawberries sweeter
Than any I’ve seen
Beetroot purple…
Appalled, he flung the crooning cucurbita from him against the cobblestones, whereupon it splattered noisily into soggy shards. Its voice, however, continued in a reproachful whine:
…Broad beans sleeping in a blankety bed…
Raising one booted foot very deliberately, Severus squished the offending squash. Satisfied, he turned his attention to its more melancholy fellow. The surviving pumpkin’s expression did not change, but Severus thought he could discern a faint tremor in its flesh. Mollified, he made as if to enter his house – but then thought better of it, and raising his wand, dispatched the orange abomination summarily to join its twin in pumpkin purgatory.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The following day, Severus felt a curious reluctance to return home from the apothecary where he spent his days brewing and snarling at customers, most of who appeared infuriatingly inured to his withering sarcasm. Furious at his own cowardice, he determinedly turned his steps up the hill.
There was an entire row of misshapen gourds-turned-lanterns sitting on the doorstep, with still more swinging cheerfully from the top of the porch. Later, Severus would have to admit that his response had perhaps been a little excessive, as he had thrown caution and concealment to the winds, drawn his wand and blasted the mocking caricatures out of existence.
It had also been a little unwise, as the entire street was now splattered with scraps of gourd and candle wax. This time, the doorframe splintered slightly as Severus made his displeasure known whilst closing the door.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
He had strongly considered not going to work the following day, but fearing ridicule should this ever become public knowledge, he eventually dragged himself out of bed and to the apothecary, where he melted his best cauldron and hexed three customers. This time, when returning home, he stalked along the street with his wand already drawn. Whatever demonic vegetable decorations were there to greet him, he would be ready for them.
What he was not ready for, however, was the sight of a bare doorstep, freshly swept, with a brand-new doormat bearing the unlikely greeting Welcome and even the remains of the gourds cleared away.
Certain he was about to discover the vilest extent of this fiendish plot against him, Severus pushed open the door. There was a strange smell in the air, which his keen nose quickly identified as fresh pastry and… pumpkin. Jaw clenched, Severus stormed into the kitchen.
As expected, there was a large pumpkin pie sitting on the table. What Severus had not expected, however, was to find Harry Potter, naked but for an apron, a chef’s hat, a pair of oven gloves and a saucy smile, sitting alongside it. Potter beamed at him. “Hello, Severus! Thought I’d better stay with this one. I’ve, um, been leaving you some little Halloween gifts, but,” he frowned, “I think someone might have been vandalising them.”
About to hex Potter and pie together into smithereens, Severus paused thoughtfully. True, the little gifts as Potter called them had caused him no little irritation and probably taken years off his life. However, it was equally true that it was the thought that counted. “I despise Halloween,” he told Potter, making a frank appraisal of what could be seen of the boy – and really, he appeared to have grown out of that apron years ago.
“However,” Severus continued, “I should not be averse to a few fireworks.”
Fin.
The song Cauliflowers Fluffy was written by V.P. Mitchell, with music by Hugh Mitchell, and is sung Every. Bloody. Year at the author’s children’s school Harvest Festival celebration.
Author:
drachenminaWord Count: ~900
Rating: PG
Characters: Severus Snape/Harry Potter
Summary: Someone is polluting Severus’ doorstep with fruits of the season. He is not amused.
Disclaimer: This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoat Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended
Dedicated to the lovely
torino10154 *hugs* Many thanks for the beta-read are due to the long-suffering blpaintchart and the wonderful gin_tonic *kisses them both*Severus Snape walked around the corner into Spinner’s End, and stared suspiciously at his front doorstep. There was something on it that had not been there when he had left home this morning. Moreover, that something was of a bright orange colour that he utterly detested, bearing as it did a distinct resemblance to that hideous hue more commonly referred to as Weasley auburn.
As he cautiously neared the house, the full horror was displayed before him. It was a pumpkin; moreover, one that had been disembowelled and carved into a jack-o-lantern. The wretched thing even had the audacity to smile at him. Severus’ lips thinned. Taking aim, he gave the infernal excrescence a hefty kick with his right foot, whereupon it took a short flight down the steps and proceeded to roll a respectable distance down the hill, its lid following merrily like a discarded hubcap. Severus grunted his satisfaction and entered the house, slamming the door behind him.
The next day, there were two of the blasted vegetables: one smiling happily, one frowning with obviously evil intent in lurid parody of a pair of theatre masks. Unable to stop himself, Severus picked up the cheerful one, which reminded him for some reason of Harry Blasted Potter, the Boy Who Lived to be Unattainable. He watched in utter horror as its mouth began to move, and the pumpkin began to sing:
Cauliflowers fluffy
Cabbages green
Strawberries sweeter
Than any I’ve seen
Beetroot purple…
Appalled, he flung the crooning cucurbita from him against the cobblestones, whereupon it splattered noisily into soggy shards. Its voice, however, continued in a reproachful whine:
…Broad beans sleeping in a blankety bed…
Raising one booted foot very deliberately, Severus squished the offending squash. Satisfied, he turned his attention to its more melancholy fellow. The surviving pumpkin’s expression did not change, but Severus thought he could discern a faint tremor in its flesh. Mollified, he made as if to enter his house – but then thought better of it, and raising his wand, dispatched the orange abomination summarily to join its twin in pumpkin purgatory.
The following day, Severus felt a curious reluctance to return home from the apothecary where he spent his days brewing and snarling at customers, most of who appeared infuriatingly inured to his withering sarcasm. Furious at his own cowardice, he determinedly turned his steps up the hill.
There was an entire row of misshapen gourds-turned-lanterns sitting on the doorstep, with still more swinging cheerfully from the top of the porch. Later, Severus would have to admit that his response had perhaps been a little excessive, as he had thrown caution and concealment to the winds, drawn his wand and blasted the mocking caricatures out of existence.
It had also been a little unwise, as the entire street was now splattered with scraps of gourd and candle wax. This time, the doorframe splintered slightly as Severus made his displeasure known whilst closing the door.
He had strongly considered not going to work the following day, but fearing ridicule should this ever become public knowledge, he eventually dragged himself out of bed and to the apothecary, where he melted his best cauldron and hexed three customers. This time, when returning home, he stalked along the street with his wand already drawn. Whatever demonic vegetable decorations were there to greet him, he would be ready for them.
What he was not ready for, however, was the sight of a bare doorstep, freshly swept, with a brand-new doormat bearing the unlikely greeting Welcome and even the remains of the gourds cleared away.
Certain he was about to discover the vilest extent of this fiendish plot against him, Severus pushed open the door. There was a strange smell in the air, which his keen nose quickly identified as fresh pastry and… pumpkin. Jaw clenched, Severus stormed into the kitchen.
As expected, there was a large pumpkin pie sitting on the table. What Severus had not expected, however, was to find Harry Potter, naked but for an apron, a chef’s hat, a pair of oven gloves and a saucy smile, sitting alongside it. Potter beamed at him. “Hello, Severus! Thought I’d better stay with this one. I’ve, um, been leaving you some little Halloween gifts, but,” he frowned, “I think someone might have been vandalising them.”
About to hex Potter and pie together into smithereens, Severus paused thoughtfully. True, the little gifts as Potter called them had caused him no little irritation and probably taken years off his life. However, it was equally true that it was the thought that counted. “I despise Halloween,” he told Potter, making a frank appraisal of what could be seen of the boy – and really, he appeared to have grown out of that apron years ago.
“However,” Severus continued, “I should not be averse to a few fireworks.”
Fin.
The song Cauliflowers Fluffy was written by V.P. Mitchell, with music by Hugh Mitchell, and is sung Every. Bloody. Year at the author’s children’s school Harvest Festival celebration.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2008-10-27 07:01 pm (UTC)Love it! This is so wonderful. Made me smile. (=
--thesewarmstars.
no subject
Date: 2008-10-27 07:14 pm (UTC)Also, that's probably the best last line I've seen in months - I cracked up laughing and almost choked on my tea, but it was worth it! ^_^ Brilliant Halloween fic, thoroughly enjoyable and bloody funny to boot.
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Date: 2008-10-27 11:01 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-28 12:03 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-28 05:47 am (UTC)no subject
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