Expediting the Expiation
Jun. 23rd, 2009 09:48 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
drachenminaTitle: Expediting the Expiation
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
drachenmina
Word Count: ~1,250
Rating: PG
Characters: Severus Snape/Sirius Black
AN: Fornice_girls_play, who commented on Remembrance of Sweets Past: What? There's no sex OR chocolate in the afterlife?? Where did they end up??? and, um, this happened…
“Where do you think we are, then, Sniv?”
“Let me see, Black. You fell through the Veil; I died. Quite clearly, there is only one possible place we could be.”
“Well?”
“Albus Dumbledore’s sock drawer. It’s the only logical conclusion.”
“Har bloody har. Since when did old Dumbles allow anything in sensible black within three feet of his sock drawer? No, but seriously, I mean, come on: no shagging, no booze, no bloody chocolate even – it can’t be Heaven, can it?”
“Given your proximity I am fairly certain that I, at least, am in Hell.”
“Bollocks! I mean, yeah, you’re a git, but you did all that hero stuff; no way you’d end up in Hell.”
“Black, I’m touched. And I’m beginning to think you must be too.”
“Hey! What’s that?”
“What?”
“That. It looks like a Mars bar. Hey, how did a Mars bar get here? Wanna share, Snape?”
“Oh, no.”
“What’s your problem, Sniv? Far as I’m aware, you can’t get fat once you’re dead. And it isn’t like you couldn’t stand to put on a couple of pounds anyway.”
“Black, I am not worried about my figure.”
“I should bloody well think not. I’ve seen broomsticks with more meat on them.”
“Black- “
“Shagged them too-“
“Black! I… am beginning to develop a theory regarding our location.”
“Yeah? Going to tell me, or is it more fun to keep me guessing?”
“Fun does not come into it. Are you familiar with the doctrine of the Catholic Church, Black?”
“Well, I know the priests wear dresses and they still don’t get any.”
“I was referring to the concept of Purgatory. A place that is neither Heaven nor Hell, but a sort of limbo where souls are placed to expiate their sins.”
“Yeah? Do they also place any dictionaries there so the poor buggers can understand what the fuck you’re on about?”
“Simply put, Black, Purgatory exists so that those whose actions in life have not always been entirely noble may make up for this and become worthy of ascending to Heaven.”
“So you’re saying, what we do here determines whether we go to Heaven?”
“Yes. But I believe it may be more specific than that.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning, Black, that our passage to eternal bliss depends on us being nice to each other.”
“I love you, Snape.”
“For Merlin’s sake, give the Almighty some credit for being able to recognise insincerity when He hears it!”
“Bugger.”
“Indeed.”
“I s’pose we could start small. How about this? I realise, Snape, that on reflection you weren’t a total toss-pot and may in fact have been fairly crucial to the war effort. Hey, it worked! Look, there’s a miniature bottle of vodka and a packet of Maltesers!”
“I… confess I am astounded, Black. It seems you are sincere.”
“Look, I’m not afraid to admit when I might have – quite understandably, mind – possibly made a slight misjudgement of a man. Stop laughing, it doesn’t suit you. I still think you’re a git, anyway. And you might give me a bit of bloody credit, you know.”
“For what? Your impressive efforts to entirely disappear under your facial hair whilst incarcerated? Your encyclopaedic knowledge of recipes for rat? Or merely your flourishing colony of fleas?”
“Now look what you’ve done! The bloody vodka’s disappeared again! I was really looking forward to that! And I may have had fleas, Sniv, but at least I didn’t drown them in grease. You know, whatever Moony saw in you, it can’t have been physical. And it can’t have been personality, so I’m buggered if I know what it was.”
“You… knew about me and Lupin?”
“Course I bloody knew! Think I’m stupid? Don’t answer that. ‘S all right, I don’t bear a grudge. Buggered off and left the both of us for that dozy cow, didn’t he?”
“Black, you were dead.”
“Details. Listen, Sniv, if he’d have really loved either of us he wouldn’t have looked twice at her.”
“Unlike you, Black, I never entertained the thought that his regard for me might have been anything more than a passing fancy.”
“That has got to be the saddest thing I’ve ever heard, Snape. Oh look, the vodka’s back!”
“Forgive me for not leaping up and down in joy. One thing I have always been, Black, and that is a realist.”
“Didn’t do you much good, though, did it? I mean, you still ended up here with me. Still, it’s looking better here now, isn’t it? Go on, say something nice about me.”
“I…”
“C’mon, Sni- Snape, you can do it! Compliment me on my looks, or something.”
“I… damn it, I was impressed by your mastery of the Animagus transformation.”
“There you go! Look, that’s a bottle of Old Ogdens! Go on, say something else!”
“Surely it’s your turn?”
“Er…”
“Oh, for Merlin’s sake, Black! I saved your Godson’s life on numerous occasions, I sacrificed my life for the good of the Wizarding World – surely you can think of something nice to say about me!”
“Um… you’vegotanicearse?”
“What?”
“I’m not going to repeat it. Anyway, there’s a whole bloody bar appeared, and a topless waitress. It’s obviously worked already. Your turn.”
“Why do I get the feeling Albus is behind all this..? Oh, very well. You emerged from twelve years in Azkaban with an admirable, although clearly incomplete, grasp on sanity.”
“There! A go-go boy and a Jacuzzi! Although I have to say that lad looks a bit too much like a Malfoy for my liking.”
“Each to his own, Black, each to his own. Your turn.”
“Um… Moony always did say nobody made Wolfsbane as well as you.”
“Tsk! A disappointing effort, Black. I hardly feel that disco ball adds anything to the ambiance.”
“Hey! That’s not the only thing I got!”
“I was trying to be tactful and not mention the chew toy, Black.”
“Right. Well, come on, it’s your turn again.”
“You do realise, Black, that we could be at this for all eternity?”
“So?”
“So? It doesn’t bother you that you may spend the next few millennia trading compliments with your erstwhile worst enemy?”
“Well, it is kind of fun. Look at all the stuff we’re getting. And, you know, you’re not actually that bad company-“
“Black…”
“I mean, Moony was right, you’ve got a wicked sense of humour-”
“Black!”
“And if I’m honest, I’ve always sort of fancied you-”
“BLACK!”
“… Oh.”
“Oh, indeed. What do you suppose we do now, Black?”
“Well, we could always knock on those gates.”
“Hmm…”
“What do you suppose is behind them, Snape?”
“Well, for you, I imagine, a veritable forest of lampposts and a limitless supply of sexual partners.”
“And for you, a state-of-the-art potions lab and an effigy of Moldy Voldy to throw darts at?”
“I do have other interests besides potions, Black.”
“Bet you can’t name ten.”
“Black, we are standing before the gates of Heaven. I feel fairly certain gambling would not be a particularly appropriate activity at this juncture.”
“So I’d win, huh?”
“Sadly, yes.”
“You know, shagging around has its good points, but I’m starting to think it’s overrated. And if you’ve seen one lamppost, you’ve seen them all.”
“For my part, I confess the prospect of spending eternity shrouded in potions fumes does bring with it a faint aroma of ennui.”
“You ought to take something for that. But yeah, I don’t think we need to be in any hurry. Those gates don’t look like they’re going anywhere.”
“Your point being?”
“Well, I have still got that Mars bar…”
Author:
drachenminaWord Count: ~1,250
Rating: PG
Characters: Severus Snape/Sirius Black
AN: For
nice_girls_play, who commented on Remembrance of Sweets Past: What? There's no sex OR chocolate in the afterlife?? Where did they end up??? and, um, this happened…“Where do you think we are, then, Sniv?”
“Let me see, Black. You fell through the Veil; I died. Quite clearly, there is only one possible place we could be.”
“Well?”
“Albus Dumbledore’s sock drawer. It’s the only logical conclusion.”
“Har bloody har. Since when did old Dumbles allow anything in sensible black within three feet of his sock drawer? No, but seriously, I mean, come on: no shagging, no booze, no bloody chocolate even – it can’t be Heaven, can it?”
“Given your proximity I am fairly certain that I, at least, am in Hell.”
“Bollocks! I mean, yeah, you’re a git, but you did all that hero stuff; no way you’d end up in Hell.”
“Black, I’m touched. And I’m beginning to think you must be too.”
“Hey! What’s that?”
“What?”
“That. It looks like a Mars bar. Hey, how did a Mars bar get here? Wanna share, Snape?”
“Oh, no.”
“What’s your problem, Sniv? Far as I’m aware, you can’t get fat once you’re dead. And it isn’t like you couldn’t stand to put on a couple of pounds anyway.”
“Black, I am not worried about my figure.”
“I should bloody well think not. I’ve seen broomsticks with more meat on them.”
“Black- “
“Shagged them too-“
“Black! I… am beginning to develop a theory regarding our location.”
“Yeah? Going to tell me, or is it more fun to keep me guessing?”
“Fun does not come into it. Are you familiar with the doctrine of the Catholic Church, Black?”
“Well, I know the priests wear dresses and they still don’t get any.”
“I was referring to the concept of Purgatory. A place that is neither Heaven nor Hell, but a sort of limbo where souls are placed to expiate their sins.”
“Yeah? Do they also place any dictionaries there so the poor buggers can understand what the fuck you’re on about?”
“Simply put, Black, Purgatory exists so that those whose actions in life have not always been entirely noble may make up for this and become worthy of ascending to Heaven.”
“So you’re saying, what we do here determines whether we go to Heaven?”
“Yes. But I believe it may be more specific than that.”
“Meaning?”
“Meaning, Black, that our passage to eternal bliss depends on us being nice to each other.”
“I love you, Snape.”
“For Merlin’s sake, give the Almighty some credit for being able to recognise insincerity when He hears it!”
“Bugger.”
“Indeed.”
“I s’pose we could start small. How about this? I realise, Snape, that on reflection you weren’t a total toss-pot and may in fact have been fairly crucial to the war effort. Hey, it worked! Look, there’s a miniature bottle of vodka and a packet of Maltesers!”
“I… confess I am astounded, Black. It seems you are sincere.”
“Look, I’m not afraid to admit when I might have – quite understandably, mind – possibly made a slight misjudgement of a man. Stop laughing, it doesn’t suit you. I still think you’re a git, anyway. And you might give me a bit of bloody credit, you know.”
“For what? Your impressive efforts to entirely disappear under your facial hair whilst incarcerated? Your encyclopaedic knowledge of recipes for rat? Or merely your flourishing colony of fleas?”
“Now look what you’ve done! The bloody vodka’s disappeared again! I was really looking forward to that! And I may have had fleas, Sniv, but at least I didn’t drown them in grease. You know, whatever Moony saw in you, it can’t have been physical. And it can’t have been personality, so I’m buggered if I know what it was.”
“You… knew about me and Lupin?”
“Course I bloody knew! Think I’m stupid? Don’t answer that. ‘S all right, I don’t bear a grudge. Buggered off and left the both of us for that dozy cow, didn’t he?”
“Black, you were dead.”
“Details. Listen, Sniv, if he’d have really loved either of us he wouldn’t have looked twice at her.”
“Unlike you, Black, I never entertained the thought that his regard for me might have been anything more than a passing fancy.”
“That has got to be the saddest thing I’ve ever heard, Snape. Oh look, the vodka’s back!”
“Forgive me for not leaping up and down in joy. One thing I have always been, Black, and that is a realist.”
“Didn’t do you much good, though, did it? I mean, you still ended up here with me. Still, it’s looking better here now, isn’t it? Go on, say something nice about me.”
“I…”
“C’mon, Sni- Snape, you can do it! Compliment me on my looks, or something.”
“I… damn it, I was impressed by your mastery of the Animagus transformation.”
“There you go! Look, that’s a bottle of Old Ogdens! Go on, say something else!”
“Surely it’s your turn?”
“Er…”
“Oh, for Merlin’s sake, Black! I saved your Godson’s life on numerous occasions, I sacrificed my life for the good of the Wizarding World – surely you can think of something nice to say about me!”
“Um… you’vegotanicearse?”
“What?”
“I’m not going to repeat it. Anyway, there’s a whole bloody bar appeared, and a topless waitress. It’s obviously worked already. Your turn.”
“Why do I get the feeling Albus is behind all this..? Oh, very well. You emerged from twelve years in Azkaban with an admirable, although clearly incomplete, grasp on sanity.”
“There! A go-go boy and a Jacuzzi! Although I have to say that lad looks a bit too much like a Malfoy for my liking.”
“Each to his own, Black, each to his own. Your turn.”
“Um… Moony always did say nobody made Wolfsbane as well as you.”
“Tsk! A disappointing effort, Black. I hardly feel that disco ball adds anything to the ambiance.”
“Hey! That’s not the only thing I got!”
“I was trying to be tactful and not mention the chew toy, Black.”
“Right. Well, come on, it’s your turn again.”
“You do realise, Black, that we could be at this for all eternity?”
“So?”
“So? It doesn’t bother you that you may spend the next few millennia trading compliments with your erstwhile worst enemy?”
“Well, it is kind of fun. Look at all the stuff we’re getting. And, you know, you’re not actually that bad company-“
“Black…”
“I mean, Moony was right, you’ve got a wicked sense of humour-”
“Black!”
“And if I’m honest, I’ve always sort of fancied you-”
“BLACK!”
“… Oh.”
“Oh, indeed. What do you suppose we do now, Black?”
“Well, we could always knock on those gates.”
“Hmm…”
“What do you suppose is behind them, Snape?”
“Well, for you, I imagine, a veritable forest of lampposts and a limitless supply of sexual partners.”
“And for you, a state-of-the-art potions lab and an effigy of Moldy Voldy to throw darts at?”
“I do have other interests besides potions, Black.”
“Bet you can’t name ten.”
“Black, we are standing before the gates of Heaven. I feel fairly certain gambling would not be a particularly appropriate activity at this juncture.”
“So I’d win, huh?”
“Sadly, yes.”
“You know, shagging around has its good points, but I’m starting to think it’s overrated. And if you’ve seen one lamppost, you’ve seen them all.”
“For my part, I confess the prospect of spending eternity shrouded in potions fumes does bring with it a faint aroma of ennui.”
“You ought to take something for that. But yeah, I don’t think we need to be in any hurry. Those gates don’t look like they’re going anywhere.”
“Your point being?”
“Well, I have still got that Mars bar…”
