Gleanings - a Snarry fic
Jun. 10th, 2008 11:32 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
drachenminaTitle: Gleanings
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
drachenmina
Word Count: ~26,600 total
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Harry Potter/Severus Snape, *past Snupin*
Summary: Severus Snape hates children and werewolves - so why would he want to adopt a lycanthropic Teddy Lupin? Harry discovers the answer to this, and also that the Wizarding World does not readily accept same-sex couples. AU in that Severus has survived, but otherwise mostly DH compliant although EWE.
Warnings: Slight BDSM, child in distress (Teddy’s transformation is described).
Disclaimer: : This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoat Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Beta-read by the wonderfulalliekatgal and bluestocking79 *hugs tight*
Chapter One
“Hey, Harry - have you heard about poor little Teddy?”
Ron looked so sombre as he joined his mate for a drink in the Hare and Crups that Harry immediately jumped to the worst possible conclusion. “Oh my God, no! What’s happened to him? Is he in St Mungo’s?”
Ron looked nonplussed at Harry’s reaction. “Nah, he’s not hurt or anything. Probably be better if he was though, at least they’d be able to fix him. You know how we’ve just had a full moon?”
Harry hadn’t really noticed, but he grasped the significance at once. “Oh my God, he transformed?”
“Yeah, poor little sod.”
“Ron, he must have been terrified! Remus said it hurts like hell during the change. God, how awful.”
“Yeah. So you won’t be visiting him at his Granny’s any more. He’s in Ministry care now.”
“What? Why?”
“Well, you can’t blame Andromeda. She was never happy about the marriage in any case. And she’s just not up to dealing with a baby werewolf, after all the crap stuff that happened in the war.”
“So she’s just dumped him on the Ministry? I can’t believe anyone would do that! He’s her grandson, for fuck’s sake.”
“Look, I’m not saying it’s ideal, but face it Harry, it must be hard enough looking after a werewolf kid if it’s your own kid, let alone if it’s someone else’s you got saddled with. He’ll be all right; the Ministry isn’t just going to chuck him out on the street. They’ve got orphanages and stuff.”
“I can’t believe I’m hearing this, Ron. And I can’t believe she just handed him over to strangers like he didn’t even matter! He needs a family more than ever now! Can you imagine what it must be like for a kid that young to deal with being a werewolf? He needs people who care about him, who’ll – who’ll tell him he’s not a freak, and that his mum and dad would have loved him no matter what!”
Harry paused, thinking. Well, why not? He had plenty of money, a house – what more did he need? In fact, the more he thought about it, the more he knew it was the right thing to do.
“I’m going to adopt him.”
“What? Mate, are you mental? You can’t just adopt a kid! ‘Specially a werewolf!” Ron hesitated, then delivered what he obviously expected to be the clincher. “Ginny’ll never go for it. Not in a million years, mate.”
Harry’s chin was up. “It’s not her decision.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Harry found out the very next day just how much Ginny didn’t go for the idea of adopting Teddy, when she turned up at Grimmauld Place, hands on hips, looking scarily like her mother scolding the twins. “Harry Potter, just what is this I’ve been hearing? About you adopting a werewolf?” Her voice had taken on an unpleasantly shrill tone.
Harry winced. “I’m not adopting a werewolf, I’m adopting Teddy.”
“And just when did you plan on consulting me about this?”
Harry squared his shoulders. “Never, actually. It’s my decision. If you’ve got a problem with it, then I’m sorry. But my mind’s made up.”
“Harry Potter, I am eighteen years old! If you think for one minute that I am going to give up my career plans and settle down to raising a child that isn’t even ours – “
Harry smiled in relief. So that was what this was all about! “Don’t be daft, I wouldn’t ask you to do that! I’ll give up work and look after Teddy.”
It didn’t have the effect he’d hoped for. “What? Harry, you’d be a laughing-stock! Men don’t give up their jobs to raise children! You’re supposed to be an Auror – “
“Supposed to be? Says who, precisely?” Harry was a bit annoyed now.
“Oh, for Merlin’s sake, Harry, you can’t just give everything up like this! Haven’t you got any ambition?”
Harry’s voice took on a dangerous edge. “Well, I killed a Dark Lord, what other ambitions do you think I should have?”
Ginny flushed. “You’re supposed to make something of yourself! Be somebody! How do you think I’ll feel, married to a man who just sits at home all day playing with a child that isn’t even his?”
Harry was furious. “Well, it’s just as well I never proposed to you then, isn’t it?”
Ginny was bright red now. It wasn’t a good look on her. “Well, that’s just fine, because I certainly wouldn’t accept you!” With a loud crack, she apparated away.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A much-needed headache potion and a quick owl to the Ministry later, Harry was just about to head off to try and get Teddy when Hermione flooed in looking concerned.
“Harry? I think we need to talk about this Teddy thing.”
OK, so that put him on edge with her for a start. “Thing? So he’s a thing, is he?”
“That’s not what I meant at all! Oh, Harry, how could you think that?” Hermione looked hurt, and suddenly the moral high ground wasn’t looking so attractive any more.
“I’m sorry, Hermione. It’s just, everyone’s been so bloody negative about me adopting him. Ron, Ginny…”
Hermione’s mouth set. “I’ve just had Ginny crying on my shoulder about this. She said – well, perhaps you’d better tell me your side of the story.”
“Don’t know what she’s got to cry about. She made it quite clear that if I didn’t have some high-flying career I wasn’t good enough for her.”
Hermione sighed. “You’ve got to understand where she’s coming from, Harry. You know the Weasleys have never had much money – I think she’s always dreamed that when she married, things would be different.”
“It’s not just the money! I’ve got money, for Christ’s sake! She said I’d be a, a laughing-stock for wanting to look after Teddy myself, instead of having a career! She seems to think I should be some bloody over-achiever just so she can brag about it to her friends!” Harry stopped, breathing hard. “I don’t get it, Hermione. I thought she’d understand about family, and how I can’t just abandon Teddy because it’d be more convenient to. But now all this has come out, I’m not sure if anything I thought about her was true.”
“Oh, Harry. Don’t you see, she’s still very young? She’s always been the baby of the family, after all. And honestly, Harry, this is quite a big thing for her to accept. Even if you’re the one looking after Teddy, it’s bound to have a huge impact on her life too if you’re together. Maybe if you give her a bit more time – “
“Teddy hasn’t got time, Hermione. Look, I don’t want to talk about it any more, OK? I’ve – I’ve got to go, all right?”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The harassed-looking witch at the Ministry’s Department for Unwanted Minors and their Placement looked up as Harry entered her office. “Mr Potter! I’m dreadfully sorry, there’s been a bit of a misunderstanding. I’m afraid Teddy Lupin isn’t available for adoption any more. He was picked up only this morning. However, we do have a number of other unwanted babies – “
Harry couldn’t believe it. “Look, I didn’t come here because I just fancied getting any old baby. I want to adopt Teddy because I care about him. I’m sorry if there’s other orphans, but I’m just here for Teddy.” He paused. “Who’s taken him? I mean, if it’s someone who just came and got him because they thought no one else would, maybe I could come to some agreement with them? I don’t want to lose touch - I’m his godfather, after all.”
“You’re his godfather? Oh dear. This is a mess. It wasn’t in the records.” She looked at Harry as if it was his fault. “Well, of course as godfather you’d have prior claim, but seeing as Mr Snape’s already taken him – “
“Snape? Snape’s got Teddy? We are talking Severus Snape here, aren’t we: tall, dark, miserable as hell, hates children?”
“Mr Snape is a decorated war hero, you know,” she replied huffily.
“Of course I bloody know! I was there too, remember? I’m the one who got him that bloody medal!”
“Well then, I’m sure little Eddy will be adequately looked after. Now, are you certain you wouldn’t like to take one of the others? We have some very pretty little girls - ”
“Look, just give me Snape’s address. You do bother to take addresses from the people you hand the kids over to, right? I’ll go and talk to him.”
Harry left, promising himself he’d also have a good long talk with Hermione about forgetting about the bloody house elves and doing something for the orphans instead.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
The address seemed vaguely familiar. Spinner’s End. It was a grim-looking Northern terrace, the kind Harry had seen on telly on the rare occasions when Aunt Petunia had allowed him to stay in the living room while the family were watching Coronation Street. Harry hadn’t thought houses like that actually existed anywhere. It made Little Whinging look like a bloody paradise.
Snape lived in the end cottage. It looked even worse than the rest, the paint peeling and the tiny scrap of garden at the front overgrown with weeds. The windows looked like they hadn’t been cleaned since the industrial revolution and were hung with grimy net curtains, presumably for peering out at your neighbours from behind.
Harry was appalled. This was where Teddy was supposed to grow up?
A thought struck him. This, presumably, was where Snape had grown up. Christ, no wonder he’d turned out such a miserable bastard.
Harry hesitated, then knocked on the door. Nothing happened. He waited a long time, uncertain, then knocked again. After an even longer wait, the door opened a crack, and Snape’s unmistakeable nose poked suspiciously round the edge of it. “What do – you? What the hell are you doing here, Potter?”
“I’m here about Teddy. You have got him, haven’t you?” Harry was feeling at a distinct disadvantage here and was uneasily certain it showed in his voice.
“Teddy Lupin is my responsibility now, and as such no concern of yours. Good day.” Snape began to shut the door in Harry’s face.
“Wait a minute!” Harry protested, trying to keep the door open by wedging his foot in the gap. It hurt. “I’m his godfather! The witch at the Ministry said that meant I had a prior claim.”
Snape glared at him. “Be that as it may, Potter, you are too late. Teddy is mine now.” Again, he tried to close the door.
Harry was having none of it. “Look, at least let me see him now I’m here!”
Snape seemed to be searching for a reason to refuse him, or possibly weighing up the consequences should he hex Harry’s foot off so that he could close the door, but at length he resignedly opened the door fully and indicated brusquely that Harry should enter.
“You may have five minutes. However, you will be quiet, and you will not wake him. I have only just succeeded in getting him to sleep.”
Harry had the dark thought that since he really couldn’t imagine Snape singing lullabies, he really hoped the bloke hadn’t resorted to potions instead.
Snape led him through a dingy hallway and up a steep staircase to a tiny box bedroom. It held a cot with, sure enough, Teddy sleeping in it. Harry just looked at him for a minute, his heart aching for the orphaned little boy.
“So. You have seen him. Now, will you depart?” Snape’s voice might be soft, so as not to wake the sleeping child, but it was not a whit more friendly than it had been on the doorstep.
“I – look, I need to talk to you. Downstairs, OK?”
The look on Snape’s face showed clearly that it was far from OK, but that he didn’t want to have a scene in Teddy’s bedroom. He closed his eyes briefly, looking pained, then led Harry back downstairs.
“Very well, Potter. You have three minutes remaining. Speak.”
Harry tried to gather his thoughts hurriedly. “Why are you doing this? Why take Teddy in at all, for god’s sake? It’s not like you ever even liked Remus – “
“My personal relationships with Teddy’s parents are no concern of yours!” Snape snapped, his eyes darkening with rage. Harry sighed in exasperation.
“Fine. But why would you want to adopt Teddy anyway? You hate kids!”
“Mr Potter, I would advise you very strongly not to presume you know anything whatsoever about my likes and dislikes!”
“I think having had you as a teacher gives me a right to presume I know something about how you feel about kids! You were always a total bastard to the students at Hogwarts, admit it!”
Snape went white, and Harry realised he’d gone too far. “Look, I’m sorry, OK? It’s just, I went along to the Ministry all ready to adopt Teddy – I even owled them first – and then that stupid cow at DUMP just turns round and says, oops, sorry, gave him away already. I think I’ve got a right to be a bit upset!”
Some of the colour had returned to Snape’s face. “You had planned to adopt him?” He sounded strangely uncertain, but then seemed to pull himself together. “Absurd. You are barely more than a child yourself!”
“So? We’d have something in common, then, wouldn’t we? And I – look, I’m fond of him, OK? I’ve been going round to see him practically every week – in fact, I can’t believe Andromeda didn’t tell me she was just going to dump him on the Ministry like a bag of old clothes!”
Snape snorted. “I imagine she was not feeling especially proud of herself at the time. But seriously, Potter, how can you have imagined you would cope with adopting a child, let alone a werewolf child? Did it never occur to you how much of an obstacle it would prove to your plans to become Chief Auror at an unfeasibly early age? And I cannot envision the little Weasley girl being too happy at putting her Quidditch plans on hold to raise the brat.”
“Don’t call him a brat. And for your information, Ginny and I have split up, and I’m quitting Auror training. I want to adopt Teddy so that I can raise him, not so I can dump him off on anyone else.”
“And how did you plan to cope with his monthly transformations?”
That was a bit of a sore point. Harry hadn’t, actually, come up with a suitable plan – yet. He’d just wanted to get Teddy back home, and then he could think about it. After all, the next full moon was over two weeks away.
“So what about you?” he countered. “Going to dose him up with wolfsbane?”
“Don’t be absurd. The composition of that formulation makes it entirely unsuitable for a child. He will have to be contained, obviously, and sedated so as not to cause harm to himself.”
OK, so Snape had planned it all out far better than Harry had. Didn’t mean he was the best person to look after an orphaned child. Here Harry had a thought. “Hey, how are you going to manage for money, anyway? I heard you’re doing potions supply work now – how are you going to manage that with Teddy here?”
Snape glared. “I shall have to reduce my commitments, it is true. However, I believe I shall be able to make enough money to support us both by working whilst he sleeps. We do not all have inherited wealth upon which to rely.”
Only Snape could make Harry’s parents having left him a bit of money sound like something he should be ashamed of.
“You’ll be exhausted, you know that? Have you got any idea how tiring a toddler can be? I’ve been knackered, sometimes, just trying to keep up with him for an afternoon.”
“Then you should be grateful I have removed the burden of his care from your under-developed shoulders.”
“You don’t get it, do you? Teddy’s not a burden, OK? I want to look after him. I want him to have a happy childhood, not grow up with people who hate him – for whatever reason. And I still don’t get why you even want him!”
Snape’s face was as closed off as ever. “My reasons are my own, Potter.” He sighed. “However, I would be amenable to allowing you to babysit when the need arises.”
Harry blinked. He’d just had an idea, but… was it a good one? Or had he gone completely off his rocker?
“Why don’t we try, um, joint custody?” he began.
“What?”
“Look, just hear me out. If we both take care of him, he gets the best of both worlds, right? And neither of us has to do it all single-handed. I could look after him while you’re brewing up potions and stuff.”
“And what of your Auror training? Or were you envisaging some kind of shift-work?”
“I told you, I’m giving that up anyway.” Harry paused, looking away. “I think – I think I was just doing that because everyone expected me to, you know? And like you said, I have inherited money, so I can afford not to work for a few years. Maybe when Teddy’s a bit older, I’ll have a clearer idea of what I really want to do.”
Snape’s resistance seemed to be waning. He rallied, however: “And living accommodation? I can assure you I would not countenance you moving in here!”
Harry looked around at the peeling, damp-stained wallpaper and furniture that had probably been old and battered when Snape was growing up here, and privately thought there was no way on this earth he’d bloody countenance it either. “That’s, um, OK. But hey, you could move in to Grimmauld Place, there’s loads of room,” he added, more out of a desire to have Teddy living with him full-time or because he hated the thought of anyone, even Snape, having to live in this depressing place, Harry wasn’t sure. “The basement’s still set up as a potions lab from when it was Order HQ, you know,” he added persuasively.
Snape was looking rather shell-shocked. “You wish me to… move in with you?”
Well, when you put it like that, no, thought Harry, but he did want Teddy, and even Snape, out of this hovel, so he said, “Yeah, I do.”
Snape’s eyes narrowed. “I will not pay rent.”
“Wouldn’t dream of asking,” Harry reassured him. It was true enough; he’d be scared Snape’d hex his bollocks off if he dared ask him for money. “So – you’ll do it?” he asked, heart thumping inexplicably, “and we’ll look after Teddy together?”
Snape sighed. Now that Harry really looked at him, Snape actually looked dreadfully tired, which was odd, because surely now the war was over he was under less strain?
“I will agree to a trial period.”
Harry grinned. “Great! Um, do you need any help packing?”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
It actually seemed to work OK, Snape moving in to Grimmauld Place. He seemed to think that as he was, in a sense, a guest, he ought to behave a little better to Harry, his host, than he would otherwise have done, and Harry certainly wasn’t complaining. It took a bit of trial and error, but they managed to come to an agreement on the division of domestic duties – helped immensely, of course, by the fact that Kreacher was there to do all the really unpleasant and/or boring tasks.
Kreacher would have been quite happy to cook for them every night, but Harry insisted he take weekends off this particular duty at least. It kept Hermione happy, and it amused Harry no end, on Sunday nights when he cooked, to watch Snape struggling between the conflicting desires of (a) being polite to his host and (b) never giving Harry a compliment if he could possibly help it.
Of course, Harry’s treatment of Kreacher was about the only thing Hermione was happy about.
“Harry, you’re letting that boy run your entire life! I know Teddy’s very sweet, and I know you were fond of Remus, but it’s not like he’s your own child – “
“You just don’t get it, do you? He is my child. In every way that counts. I love him, Hermione. I’d die for him, and I’m not – not being melodramatic, or something.” He grinned. “Well, maybe a bit. But don’t you see, he’s my family now?”
Hermione just sighed. Hesitantly, she changed the subject.
“You know, Harry, Ron’s been – well, he was quite upset about you splitting up with Ginny.”
Harry coloured, faintly. He’d been feeling bad about that too. It was one of the reasons he’d suggested to Hermione when he owled her that just the two of them should get together.
“Is he mad at me?”
“No! No, of course not. After all, it was she who split up with you, not the other way around. But I don’t think any of them realised just how awkward it was going to be for her – after all, the whole wizarding world’s been expecting you two to get married – and Ron was really keen for you to be properly part of the family.”
“You think I wasn’t keen too?” Harry looked away. “I hate this, Hermione. I hate how I ended up having to choose – Teddy or the Weasleys.”
Hermione’s voice was sharp. “Not Teddy or Ginny?”
Harry felt his face get even hotter. “Look, I did like her, OK? It wasn’t just – you know. I wasn’t using her.”
“But you weren’t really in love with her?” The voice was soft, now.
Harry couldn’t look at her. “I just – I dunno what’s wrong with me, Hermione. I tried – I really did. It all seemed like it’d be so perfect – you and Ron, me and Ginny – and I thought she loved me, so it didn’t matter if I didn’t love her, I could still make her happy. But then she came out with all that stuff about what I ought to be doing and I thought, she doesn’t love me at all; she’s still got a bloody crush on the Boy Who Lived! And then, when she stormed off –” He broke off, steeling himself to look Hermione in the eye and continue, “when she left, I was just relieved.”
“Oh, Harry.” Hermione put her arms around him. “You can’t stay with someone you don’t love, just because it’s what everyone expects. It would never have worked.”
She paused, and looked him quizzically in the eye. “There isn’t anyone else, is there? I mean, of course I don’t think you were unfaithful to Ginny – but is there someone you, well, fancy?”
Harry grinned ruefully. “Yeah, right. Because I’ve always been such a ladies’ man, haven’t I? No, there’s no one. To be honest, what with Teddy and Snape and everything, I haven’t even thought about girls lately.”
Hermione raised an eyebrow – when had she learned how to do that? “Well, you know, oranges are not the only fruit,” she said bafflingly.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
After Hermione had gone, Harry couldn’t help thinking about what they’d been talking about. It hadn’t really struck him until they’d spoken about it, just how disinterested he’d been in the opposite sex lately.
It wasn’t even that he didn’t get to meet girls – Teddy seemed to provide an instant introduction to women of all ages, when he took him out to the swings or for a play in the park. Most of them seemed to assume he was a male nanny – a manny, as he’d heard more than one of them call him. He supposed it was because of his age. He’d got a real kick out of telling them Teddy was his – OK, so it wasn’t true in the sense they probably took it, but he wasn’t going to explain about the adoption to everyone he had a casual conversation with.
Of course, that brought its own problems – people would keep asking about Teddy’s mum, and after explaining she’d died Harry kept ending up with a lot of misplaced sympathy. In the end, he decided to go with “I’m raising him with a friend.”
He’d felt a bit of an idiot when he’d realised that everyone just assumed that meant he was gay. In fact, some of the Muggle mums he’d got to know started talking about having seen Teddy out with “your partner,” with just the faintest look of surprise on their faces at just who that “partner” had turned out to be.
Harry didn’t bother to correct them. OK, so if Snape ever found out he was allowing people to think Harry was his toy-boy, poor little Teds was probably going to be mourning a parent again, but somehow Harry couldn’t see Snape exchanging chit-chat with the mums in the park, so he reckoned he was safe.
It was pretty funny really, the thought of him and Snape. Harry thought he’d have to mention it to Hermione – after all, the bloke had hated him almost as long as he’d known him, had hated the father he closely resembled for a lot longer than that, and had been in love with his mum. The thought of him wanting to be with Harry was so bloody ridiculous…
Harry decided to get an early night. For some reason, he was feeling really tired, now.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Snape turned out to be a lot better with Teddy than Harry would ever have expected. True, he wasn’t much for silly games, but then Harry excelled at these, so Snape didn’t need to be, did he? But he was brilliant at getting Teddy to sleep – he’d read to him for hours, whereas Harry just used to get bored – and he actually seemed to genuinely care about Teddy.
Harry couldn’t work it out. As far as he knew, Teddy was nothing to Snape. Why should he care about him at all? But it was easy to see that he did – and what was more, it was easy to see just how much Teddy doted on him too.
Harry had been shocked when he realised Snape was encouraging Teddy to call him “Papa”. When Harry referred to himself, he just used his name, which Teddy had shortened to a more manageable, but still recognisable, “Hay”. But Snape, it seemed, was Papa. Well, “Bapa”, actually, but the intent was clear. Harry felt irrationally jealous.
It bothered him.
It bothered him even more that he couldn’t have said who, or what, he was more jealous of.
That was before Snape came home with a teddy for Teddy, which was promptly, and mysteriously, christened Guppy, and Harry realised he was mostly jealous of the way Snape seemed so fond of Teddy that he’d lower his dignity enough to go into a toyshop and buy a stuffed animal, and then come up with a bloody stupid name for it. It was just so… un-Snapelike, although clearly Harry really didn’t know Snape as well as he thought he did.
And why should that be such a troubling thought?
It was a few days after this that Harry really got to thinking. He’d just watched Snape – Snape – singing softly to Teddy before putting him down in his cot for a nap, and the thought just struck him. The more he thought about it, the more plausible it seemed. Snape, wanting a child? Snape, wanting to be called “Papa”? It just didn’t make sense, unless….
“Look, I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve sort of got a theory.” Harry was over at Hermione’s, having arranged to spend the afternoon with her and Ron. He’d been worried, at first, that things might be awkward between him and Ron, but it seemed Hermione had been right, and Ron didn’t blame him for the break-up with Ginny, which had been a huge relief. What with Teddy, and giving up Auror training, he didn’t get to see his mates so much these days, and he certainly didn’t want to lose any of them, especially not his best mate.
“What if,” here Harry paused dramatically, “Snape’s Teddy’s real dad?”
Harry didn’t get the reaction he had been hoping for. Ron and Hermione just looked at him with identically concerned expressions on their faces.
“Um, Harry?” Hermione said at last. “Teddy’s a werewolf.”
“Well yeah, I know that – “
“And Snape isn’t. Do you really think Remus would have infected him after birth?”
Oh. Put like that, it did sound a bit, well, stupid.
“Anyway, mate,” Ron put in, “Tonks and Snape? Can you seriously imagine that for one minute?”
“Why not?” Harry was a little indignant.
“Snape? Come on mate, he’s hardly love’s young dream, is he?” Ron laughed, and even Hermione was trying to hide a smile. Harry felt angry.
“I thought girls were supposed to like the bad boys. Want to save them, or something.”
Ron sniggered. “Well, boy’s hardly appropriate for Snape, is it? And honestly, mate, who’d want to save Snape? I mean, I know he was on our side really and all that, but he’s still a total git. And can you imagine waking up to that face in the morning?” Ron mimed throwing up.
“Listen, mate, he may not be the best looking bloke in the world, but at least he didn’t decide half-way through the war that he couldn’t be bothered spying any more and just do a bunk!”
Ron stopped laughing abruptly and turned an ugly shade of red. “That is out of order, Harry! I came back, didn’t I? And when did you get so bloody fond of Snape?”
Hermione was looking really upset. Harry sighed. “Look, I’m sorry, OK? I didn’t mean – anything. It’s just, Snape’s been really great with Teddy, and – I s’pose I’m just not comfortable making fun of him like we used to.”
“Harry’s right, Ron. Professor Snape’s earned our respect.” Hermione put in earnestly.
Harry was grateful for the support, he just wished she didn’t have to sound so bloody preachy about it.
“And I’ve got to live with the bloke. Imagine what it’d be like if he found out we’d been laughing about him?”
It was true enough. So why did he feel so dishonest putting it that way?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Harry still felt out of sorts after he’d got home. It didn’t help that Snape was in a foul mood too; making snide remarks about the Weasleys over dinner and muttering about how he’d thought Harry was no longer planning to join that already oversized family. Harry couldn’t be bothered to argue, and eventually slammed his fork down. “Yeah. Right. Whatever. Come on Teds, lets go play.”
A few daft games with a ball and a levitation charm later, Harry was in a much better mood. After he’d calmed Teddy down with a bath and put him to bed (and been unceremoniously dumped by his son in favour of “Bapa” who was apparently much better at reading Teddy’s bedtime “dory”) he was left wondering what to do with himself.
Picking up an old Quidditch magazine, Harry started to flick through it. There was a feature on the Holyhead Harpies, with pictures of all the players looking glammed-up to the nines. Harry hadn’t bothered reading this one before, but now he decided to have a look. There were nine of them altogether, including substitutes, all of them pretty fit – one of them had to be his type, surely? Maybe if he worked that out, he’d have some idea why he just didn’t seem to be interested in girls at the moment.
All the women were grinning madly as they waved at the camera. The captain and Chaser was spectacularly well-endowed, her boobs bouncing as she waved her arm. Harry turned that page hurriedly. The Keeper was – well, statuesque was probably the word. About a foot taller than Harry, which wasn’t so bad, but also about two feet wider (all of it solid muscle) which wasn’t much of a turn-on. Harry was quite aware he was still a bit of a scrawny runt; he didn’t need any comparisons to point that out, thank you very much.
The Seeker was typically petite. That didn’t do a lot for him either. Abruptly Harry tired of this game, and he flicked ahead to the article on Oliver Wood. He’d read it before, but he didn’t mind reading it again. And the picture of Oliver was fantastic; he looked like he’d really filled out since school, and the tan really suited him. Harry shifted in his seat a little.
Suddenly Harry felt like a Bludger had flown off the page right into his stomach.
He flicked back to the picture of the Harpies’ captain. Nothing.
Back to Wood. (And wasn’t that name just oozing innuendo?) He could look at that picture all day…
Bloody. Hell.
Well, it certainly explained his lack of interest in girls. And why the Muggle mums had been so quick to assume he was gay.
Because unlike you, they’re not totally clueless, he told himself dazedly.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter Two
The day of the full moon, which had seemed so far away, suddenly seemed to rush along in defiance of all laws of time. Teddy was fretful all day, which Harry put down to his body’s sensing the approaching change, but Snape blamed squarely on Harry being wound up tighter than Hermione on the night before her Newts, and communicating his tension to the poor little boy.
They’d set up a cage in a corner of the basement, having moved some of Snape’s lab equipment to accommodate it. That way they could still be with Teddy to reassure him when he changed, but without being in any danger from him.
They’d been letting him play in it from time to time so it wouldn’t seem strange to him on the night of the full moon. Actually, as a playpen it had come in pretty handy, on those occasions when Harry was out and one of Snape’s potions needed attention. Teddy even seemed to like it.
Harry hoped that wasn’t going to change drastically after tonight.
They’d settled him in there tonight just before moonrise, with a few toys the local pet shop had sworn were indestructible even by Rottweiler puppies. Teddy hadn’t seemed unwilling to go in the cage, but now he was there he wasn’t his usual playful self - he just sat on the floor turning one of the new toys over and over in his hands.
Abruptly, Teddy began to wail.
It was unlike any cry Harry had ever heard from him before. He sounded – desolate, as if his little heart was breaking with unbearable sorrow, and all Harry wanted was to open the cage and put his arms around the little boy. He moved involuntarily towards Teddy – only to be held back by a firm hand on his shoulder and a seemingly emotionless voice saying, “Steady, Potter. You cannot help him through this.”
Harry felt suddenly furious with Snape for being so bloody calm about it all. How could he just sit there unmoved while Teddy went through the most unimaginable pain? He turned to Snape to lash out at him in anger, but the impulse died as he took in Snape’s clenched jaw, the hard lines around his eyes. Oh no, he wasn’t unmoved. Just controlling himself a damn sight better than Harry was. Fury drained away, to be replaced by guilt, and Harry turned back to watch his little boy, whose cries had increased in intensity until Harry felt each one drill a hole into his soul.
Wailing turned, unbearably, to screaming – and suddenly, Teddy was changing.
Harry watched dumbfounded as Teddy’s chubby little face lengthened, his body shifted and became covered in coarse fur – and quite suddenly, almost before Harry had noticed the screaming had stopped, a little wolf-cub was standing there on all fours, whining softly in uncertainty.
Harry sighed, relieved the worst was over. “Teddy?” he called softly, wondering if the cub would recognise his name. Teddy certainly reacted, but whether to the name or merely to the sound of a voice was hard to tell.
“Potter? That is not Teddy. Not in any way that matters. He is an animal, with the instincts of his kind and no memory of either of us.” The tone was warning. “And if either of us should be foolish enough to allow him to bite us, we will become as he is. Now, I suggest you pass him his food very carefully.”
There was a small gap under the bars at the front of the cage for that purpose, warded to allow nothing living to pass. Harry gingerly pushed the tray of water and puppy-food inside the cage. Initially, Teddy snarled at him and fled to the farthest corner, but after a while he returned and began to sniff at the tray cautiously, finally trying some of the food.
Harry breathed another sigh of relief. “At least – he doesn’t seem too unhappy about it all,” he said.
Snape nodded. “He is fortunately too young as yet to chafe against the restrictions of the cage. However, that day will come, and most likely sooner than you think.” He paused. “You may as well go to bed, Potter. I will remain. There is no need for both of us to lose a night’s sleep.”
“Nah, s’OK. I don’t think I’d be able to sleep anyway. But you go, if you want.”
Snape just nodded at that, but as he didn’t go anywhere Harry supposed that meant they were both there for the night.
It was surprisingly companionable. They talked more than Harry would have thought possible – first about the obvious, like what kind of potions Snape could give Teddy to make things better for him, and why you couldn’t give Wolfsbane to kids – and then about more wide-ranging topics. Snape even mentioned his schooldays, once or twice.
As the early hours approached, conversation became more and more sporadic. Occasionally one or other of them would go to fetch mugs of tea. Harry wasn’t aware he’d nodded off until he felt Snape nudge him. “Potter. I believe he is about to return to us.”
Harry woke up hurriedly. Teddy, who’d been pretty quiet most of the night, occasionally lapping at his water bowl or playing with his puppy-toys, was now pacing the floor restlessly.
Suddenly, and with far less fanfare than the previous evening, Teddy transformed. It seemed a lot quicker this way round, and instead of the inconsolably howling toddler Harry had feared they might be faced with, the cage was now occupied by a slightly surprised looking little boy, who beamed when he saw them, and toddled over to reach through the bars.
“Doesn’t it hurt to change back, then?” Harry asked, relieved, as he unlocked the cage door and scooped up the giggling Teddy.
“Apparently not. I believe it is not well understood, even amongst werewolves themselves, but the transformation back to human is merely a reversion to the natural state, which may explain why it appears to be painless.”
If Harry had been hoping Teddy would be tired out by all his transforming and would want to go straight to bed, he was disappointed, but the afternoon nap did last for four hours instead of the usual two, for which they were all grateful.
After all, they had it all to do again for the next two nights.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
By the end of the three full-moon nights, Harry felt somehow a lot closer to both Teddy and Snape. He thought Snape felt it too, but it was, as always, a bit hard to tell with him. Snape, he decided, had probably expected Harry to jump at the chance to get out of being with Teddy while he was all wolfy, and had been impressed (or at least, unexpectedly not displeased) when Harry had insisted on sticking through it all.
One lazy Sunday afternoon shortly afterwards, Harry and Snape were chatting quite comfortably as Teddy played on the rug. After a companionable pause, Harry broached a subject he’d been thinking about for a while.
“It’s funny, you know, Remus’ son ending up living here. You see, I always wondered if Remus and Sirius were – you know, more than friends.”
Snape frowned. “I suggest, Potter, you think very carefully before spreading that kind of calumny about Teddy’s father.”
“I – what?”
“The boy is a wizard. He will, I hope, one day attend Hogwarts, where he will have to contend with prejudice and ostracism as a werewolf and the son of a werewolf. I hardly think he will thank you if you, his adoptive father, add to that burden the suspicion that his true father was a sexual deviant.”
“Deviant? Is that what you really think about gays? Bloody hell, no wonder you were such a bastard to Remus and Sirius – “
“Potter! For once in your life try to use that miserable excuse for a brain residing unhappily in your regrettably thick skull! What I think is irrelevant. What the wizarding world thinks, however, is something Teddy will have to deal with for the rest of his life. And if you go spreading rumours that will add to his pain I will not be responsible for my actions!” Severus was almost spitting now, his face twisted with rage in a way that was frankly scary. Harry backed off.
“Look, I’m not going to say anything to anyone else, OK? I just didn’t realise – “
“You never do, Potter. You never do!”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
A few days later, when he thought Severus might have calmed down a bit, Harry plucked up the courage to ask him about the anti-gay prejudice he’d been so vehement about.
He’d been a bit taken aback by Snape’s vitriol. It didn’t bode too well for any future revelations Harry might have been considering making.
“So, um, Snape? Could you tell me a bit more about what the wizarding world thinks of gays? I know you probably think I ought to know all this already, but I have had other things on my mind in the last few years. And you’re always telling me I’m thick, so I probably wouldn’t have picked it up anyway.”
Snape looked at Harry a little oddly. “It cannot have escaped even your notice, Potter, that wizards, when compared to Muggles, are extremely conservative in their ways. Divorce is rare; abortion illegal. To bear a child out of wedlock is a terrible disgrace for a witch. Homosexuality has never been tolerated. The only reason it was never criminalized in the wizarding world is because of Mugwump Scabies’ famous declaration in 1533 that he was damned if he’d have any of the filthy little buggers sullying his courtroom.”
Severus paused. “It must be said however that his subsequent divorce by his wife for being found in a compromising position with a house-elf rather called into question his position as spokesman for the moral majority. Nevertheless, the point remains that most wizards and witches do not look at all kindly upon those found to be engaging in same-sex relations.”
Harry hesitated, but decided, in for a knut, in for a galleon. “So what about you? What do you think about gays?”
Snape’s jaw tightened. “As I have said, my own views upon the matter are irrelevant.”
“Not to me they’re not. We’re bringing up Teddy together, I think I have a right to know what you think about important stuff like this. After all, for all we know he might turn out to be gay.” Harry thought he’d put this rather well, explaining his position without giving anything away.
Severus looked away. Finally he spoke. “If Teddy were to discover his preferences lay in such a direction, then naturally I would be disappointed. One does not wish heartache on one’s child. However, it would make no difference to my own feelings about him.”
“So, you think it’s OK, then, being gay?”
“No, Potter, it is not “OK!” Have you listened to even a single word I have said? To be a homosexual is to lay oneself open to misery and loneliness even if one’s proclivities are not discovered by the world! If that is “OK” then clearly I have sadly mistaken the definition of the term!”
For fuck’s sake. “Snape, I only meant, you don’t think it’s sick and perverted and all that of itself?” He paused again, then thought, sod it, are you a Gryffindor or not?
“So if, say, I told you I was gay, but nobody would ever know so it wouldn’t affect Teddy, would you be OK with that?”
Severus looked tired. “Potter, if you were gay, the whole world would know. Not merely because of the inexplicably prurient interest the masses take in anything Potter, but also because of your congenital inability to keep anything a secret.”
“Bollocks! I can keep a secret! I didn’t tell anyone about the Horcruxes, did I?”
“Perhaps not. But the fact remains that being who you are, you would be highly unlikely to be able to go cruising for sex on Hampstead Heath without attracting a modicum of attention.”
“Bloody hell, Snape! You’ve got a really cynical view of gay men, you know? Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I like shagging strangers in parks, OK?” Bugger! Had he really just said that? Had he really just told Snape he was gay? God, the bastard was right about his “miserable excuse for a brain”!
Predictably, Snape was looking appalled. Harry wondered miserably if he’d use this to try and get sole custody of Teddy.
“No. No. You are not gay, Potter. It is impossible. It is a trick.” Snape looked at him then, and if Harry had been frightened by the intensity in those eyes earlier in the day, he was downright bloody terrified now. “You are not gay!”
Bewildered, Harry could only stare as Snape wheeled around and left the room, slamming the door behind him. What the hell was all that about?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Harry hadn’t put any details into the note he’d owled to Hermione, just said he needed to talk to her alone. Actually he had Teddy with him as Severus had been locked in his potions lab ever since their little discussion, but Harry reckoned he could count on the kid’s discretion as all the baby books agreed he was at least a year away from being able to talk in full sentences.
After they’d flooed over to Hermione’s flat and Harry had settled Teddy on the floor with some toys, he looked at her expectant expression and realised it was time to get to the point. “Hermione? If I tell you something, will you promise not to say anything about it to Ron? It’s just that it’s really important and I can’t deal with worrying about how he’s going to take it right now.”
“Of course, Harry.” She hesitated. “Although if it’s that important, you probably ought to think about telling Ron too, you know.”
“I will, OK? Just – not now.” They’d made up after the last unfortunate conversation, each of them muttering apologies, but things still weren’t quite – easy between them. Certainly not easy enough for this.
Harry took a deep breath. “Hermione? I’m gay.”
He’d been prepared for horror, disbelief, even indifference – but what he got was an armful of Hermione as she did her best to squeeze the life out of him with a hug. “Oh Harry, I’m so proud of you for finally admitting it!”
Huh? She’d known? “You knew?”
“Well, I’ve suspected for a little while. Ever since you told me you never thought about girls – honestly Harry, that’s just not normal for a straight boy your age. And there’s been one or two things Ginny said – how you always treated her more like a friend than a girlfriend, for instance. And with hindsight, the way you reacted to kissing Cho really should have given us all a clue!”
“Um, so does anyone else, er, suspect?”
“Oh, I don’t think so. And don’t worry, I haven’t said a thing to anyone. I know the wizarding world has some ridiculous attitudes, so I’d never have outed you before you were ready. You do realise this is going to be so important for all the other gay wizards? Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, coming out! You’ll be an inspiration!”
Harry was horrified. The last thing he wanted was to be turned into some poster boy for bent wizards! “Look, Hermione, I’m not exactly coming out in public. I haven’t just got myself to think about now, you know that.”
Hermione pursed her lips disapprovingly. “Don’t you think the best thing you can do for Teddy is help him grow up in a world free of prejudice of any kind?”
“Hermione! I could lose him over this! What if the ministry decide a queer’s not fit to look after a child? What if Snape gives them that line? It – it may already be too late on that one. Snape knows.”
“You told him first?” Hermione sounded a little put out.
“It just slipped out, OK?” Harry defended himself.
“How did he take it?”
“Not very well. Called me a liar and stormed off.”
“That’s interesting.”
“Is it? Just seemed worrying to me.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Back at Grimmauld Place the next day, Snape seemed to have decided that the appropriate response to Harry’s little confession was to ignore him completely. After several hours of this, Harry couldn’t stand it any longer. He had to know what – if anything - Snape planned to do about it.
“Er, Snape? Can we talk?”
Sigh. “I doubt I shall be able to stop you.”
After counting to ten, Harry continued. “I meant about – what I said yesterday. About being gay. I just need to know if you’re going to – do anything about it.”
“If you are hoping I can prepare some kind of potion that might cure you – “
“No! I don’t need a bloody cure because I’m not bloody ill!” At least Snape seemed to have accepted his statement as fact, now. “I meant – oh, bloody hell, are you going to use it to try and get sole custody of Teddy?”
Snape was silent for a moment. “Potter. I do not pretend to understand what prompted your absurd pronouncement of earlier, but you may rest assured, I have no intention of using anything you may have said to me to try and remove Teddy from your care. It is… it is clear that he is fond of you, and whilst I remain convinced I was fully justified in my earlier misgivings, I must concede that the present arrangement works well. Teddy needs stability in his life and I have no plans to disrupt that merely for the purpose of gratifying my own occasional wishes for your absence.”
“Right. Um, thanks, Snape.” Harry wanted to ask if it made any difference to how Snape felt about him, but he couldn’t think of one single way to put it that didn’t make him sound like a total girl.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Harry didn’t sleep well that night so naturally, next day Teddy refused to go down for his afternoon nap. Guppy was missing. Snape, of course, was out wherever it was he went when he wasn’t in the house so couldn’t be asked where the bloody thing had got to. Not that Harry was finding it particularly easy to talk to Snape these days anyway.
Holding a whinging toddler in one arm did not make for easy searching of the living room, but Harry managed. Guppy wasn’t there. Harry had tried all the usual places (the downstairs loo, the fridge, etc) and bloody Guppy wasn’t bloody there either. He knew Guppy wasn’t in his own room – Teddy hadn’t been in there all morning. So that left Snape’s room.
Which Harry hadn’t been into since it had become Snape’s room. And he was quite sure if he so much as set one foot inside, Snape was likely to hex it off without notice. But this was an emergency, wasn’t it? Teddy needed his nap. Harry was reasonably certain that if Teddy didn’t get his nap, he, Harry, was quite likely to go insane. So a little bit of trespassing was entirely justified, wasn’t it?
Nodding to himself, Harry entered Snape’s room.
It was a bit… bare. Didn’t exactly have that lived-in look. Harry set Teddy down on the floor and looked around for any signs of stuffed bears. He looked around hopefully when Teddy squealed, but it was just at one of Snape’s threadbare slippers. Harry left Teddy chewing at it thoughtfully, and carried on his search.
It didn’t take long. Didn’t Snape have any, well, stuff? It was a bit depressing to think the bloke had been so busy serving his two masters he hadn’t had time to have a life. No family photos, no holiday souvenirs. No remnants of half-forgotten hobbies. Of course, he could have left things at Spinner’s End, but looking back, Harry couldn’t remember a right lot of clutter there either.
Only the wardrobe and the chest of drawers were left. The wardrobe was locked by a key too high for Teddy to turn, but the drawers – they were possible. Harry hesitated, then opened one. He was faced with a few odd jars and a meagre, but neatly-folded selection of Snape’s smalls. Harry closed the drawer hastily. He could just imagine the scenes if Snape caught him ogling his underwear.
The next drawer down held socks, razors, and bizarrely, a copy of a Quidditch magazine. It was the one with the really hot picture of Oliver Wood in it, Harry noted absently. He blinked. Snape was into Quidditch? It wasn’t like he ever talked about it. The last drawer, however, held various odds and ends, including some old photographs. Harry knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself from taking them out, and looking at them.
There was one of his mum, looking much younger than any picture of her he’d seen before. There was one of a boy about Harry’s own age who looked a bit like Sirius, but there was no name on the picture. He looked nice, though, smiling at the camera.
For some reason that last picture made Harry feel very strongly he was intruding on something private, so he roughly gathered the pictures back together and shoved them back in the drawer. As he did so, his eye was caught by the last line of a letter that had been lying under the pictures.
It said, with the hope that you may one day forgive me, Remus.
What the hell was that about?
Knowing he shouldn’t, Harry was still unable to stop himself reaching for the letter.
It was quite short.
Severus,
If you are reading this, then I must be dead.
I have left this letter with my lawyer (and yes, I know you’re wondering how I can afford one. He’s a family friend, as it happens) to be delivered to you in the event of my death, which in these uncertain times seems increasingly likely.
I find I cannot, in conscience, leave this world without apologising to you for my conduct, all those years ago when we were in school together. You were quite right, all those things you accused me of – cowardice, a need to fit in – I cannot deny them. And I will always regret that I did not have the courage to follow my heart. Who knows how different things might have been for both of us, had I only been braver then?
But I do not write to add to your sorrows. Only to say this: I loved you then, Severus, and I still do. Dora is a sweet girl, but my heart is yours, as it ever was.
I’m sorry if this has a bitter taste. I think, Severus, I was never worthy of your love. I hope that one day you will find someone who is braver than I; someone who can give you the love that you deserve.
I only ask – and I know I have forfeited all right to ask anything of you – that for my sake, you will do all you can for Dora and Teddy, should they be in need.
I write with confidence; you are a good man, Severus, although the world has been slow to recognise this.
I wish you every happiness that I have, by my own insecurities, denied myself.
With the hope that you may one day forgive me,
Remus
Harry sat back on his heels, numb. Snape… and Remus? Snape had loved Remus – and been rejected, because Remus didn’t want to acknowledge his sexuality? And Remus had, secretly, loved him all this time?
Snape was gay?
Then why had he been so horrified by Harry’s own admission? It didn’t make sense – unless… was Harry reading too much into this?
No. It couldn’t be.
Could it?
And if he was right… what the hell did Harry think about it?
Bloody. Hell.
Suddenly noticing how quiet it had got, Harry looked round, worried, to see what Teddy was up to.
He’d fallen asleep, sucking his thumb and cuddling Snape’s slipper.
Harry found himself really, really wishing things were so simple when you got older.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
When Snape came home, Harry found himself watching the man – what he was hoping to see, he couldn’t have said. Did he fancy Harry? Did Harry want him to?
Was Harry just on the verge of crushing on the first gay wizard he’d knowingly met?
Harry was brought back to reality with a nasty bump when Snape, who’d gone upstairs, presumably for a bath, came storming down the stairs again, the aura of rage about him so thick you could taste it.
“POTTER! What the bloody HELL do you think you were doing, going through my things?
Bloody hell was right, Harry thought despairingly. Why hadn’t he been more careful putting Snape’s stuff back?
Because you got flustered, because you knew what you were doing was wrong, his inner voice told him. It was cold and disapproving and sounded a lot like Snape, in fact.
Yeah, but that’s just daft, isn’t it? Harry told the voice firmly. Knowing how pissed off Snape’d be should’ve made me more careful, not less.
Hm, well, have you considered that perhaps you wanted to be caught?
Bloody hell, even his own brain was mocking him. “You’re mental!” he told it.
“Indeed, Mister Potter? Are you attempting to persuade me that I am merely imagining that my most personal belongings have been rifled through and left in disarray?”
Snape could make a fortune with a voice like that, Harry thought in terrified distraction, hiring it out instead of refrigeration units. Or air-conditioning, in the summer. Be way more environmentally friendly too.
“I – no. I… was talking to myself, actually. It was a really stupid, thoughtless thing to do and I’m really sorry.” Harry wasn’t sure, but he thought the temperature in the room might have risen just slightly, to the point where a glacier wouldn’t have found it too uncomfortably nippy any more. Encouraged, he carried on. “I was looking for Guppy. You know how Teddy can’t sleep without him.”
“And you imagined he was in my room because…?”
“Because I’d tried every-bloody-where else! It was a last resort. And, and the drawers – well, you know how he likes to put things in, um, things.”
“I see. And was Guppy in one of the drawers?”
“Er, no. He actually turned up hours later in that washing machine Hermione made me get put in and Kreacher won’t use. I s’pose Teddy thought he was dirty. Or it looked like a nice den, or something.”
“I see. So tell me, at what point during this perfectly reasonable hunt for a stuffed toy did it become necessary to read my private correspondence?”
Harry took a deep breath. “I saw a photo of my mum, OK? I thought there might be more. Or letters from her, or something. And yeah, I know it was wrong, but it’s not like I’m the only person in the world who’s ever done that kind of thing, is it?”
Snape flushed, tight-lipped. Harry continued. “I wasn’t going to read any of the other letters, I swear I wasn’t. But then I saw that one from Remus, asking you to forgive him, and well… look, I’m only human, all right? And you know I’ve always wondered just why you were so keen to look after Teddy.”
He paused to draw breath. “And you know what? You could’ve, you know, told me – when I, um, told you I was gay, I mean – you could’ve told me you were too. I was shitting myself you were going to, I dunno, out me or something, use it to get Teddy away from me. I mean, the way you talk, anyone would’ve thought you bloody hate gays. But we’re in the same boat here, it’s not like we’re going to use this stuff against each other, is it? So it would’ve been nice to know.”
Snape was looking at him oddly. “Your faith in human nature, Potter, in the face of overwhelming evidence, is touching. So, I am to understand, then, that you believe we should trust one another?”
“Er, yeah.” Well, that had been part of what he’d been getting at. Sort of, anyway.
“I would hope, then, that in the future I might trust you not to pry into my personal affairs.”
He spun on his heels, and went back upstairs.
“Um, well, that went… less badly than expected,” Harry told the kitchen, still slightly shell-shocked.
He felt a bit on-edge around Snape for the next few days, but Snape seemed to go back to treating him much as before – if anything, there were slightly fewer insults.
Harry gave up trying to work it all out.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chapter Three
Author:
drachenminaWord Count: ~26,600 total
Rating: NC17
Pairing: Harry Potter/Severus Snape, *past Snupin*
Summary: Severus Snape hates children and werewolves - so why would he want to adopt a lycanthropic Teddy Lupin? Harry discovers the answer to this, and also that the Wizarding World does not readily accept same-sex couples. AU in that Severus has survived, but otherwise mostly DH compliant although EWE.
Warnings: Slight BDSM, child in distress (Teddy’s transformation is described).
Disclaimer: : This story is based on characters and situations created and owned by JK Rowling, various publishers including but not limited to Bloomsbury Books, Scholastic Books and Raincoat Books, and Warner Bros., Inc. No money is being made and no copyright or trademark infringement is intended.
Beta-read by the wonderful
alliekatgal and bluestocking79 *hugs tight*Chapter One
“Hey, Harry - have you heard about poor little Teddy?”
Ron looked so sombre as he joined his mate for a drink in the Hare and Crups that Harry immediately jumped to the worst possible conclusion. “Oh my God, no! What’s happened to him? Is he in St Mungo’s?”
Ron looked nonplussed at Harry’s reaction. “Nah, he’s not hurt or anything. Probably be better if he was though, at least they’d be able to fix him. You know how we’ve just had a full moon?”
Harry hadn’t really noticed, but he grasped the significance at once. “Oh my God, he transformed?”
“Yeah, poor little sod.”
“Ron, he must have been terrified! Remus said it hurts like hell during the change. God, how awful.”
“Yeah. So you won’t be visiting him at his Granny’s any more. He’s in Ministry care now.”
“What? Why?”
“Well, you can’t blame Andromeda. She was never happy about the marriage in any case. And she’s just not up to dealing with a baby werewolf, after all the crap stuff that happened in the war.”
“So she’s just dumped him on the Ministry? I can’t believe anyone would do that! He’s her grandson, for fuck’s sake.”
“Look, I’m not saying it’s ideal, but face it Harry, it must be hard enough looking after a werewolf kid if it’s your own kid, let alone if it’s someone else’s you got saddled with. He’ll be all right; the Ministry isn’t just going to chuck him out on the street. They’ve got orphanages and stuff.”
“I can’t believe I’m hearing this, Ron. And I can’t believe she just handed him over to strangers like he didn’t even matter! He needs a family more than ever now! Can you imagine what it must be like for a kid that young to deal with being a werewolf? He needs people who care about him, who’ll – who’ll tell him he’s not a freak, and that his mum and dad would have loved him no matter what!”
Harry paused, thinking. Well, why not? He had plenty of money, a house – what more did he need? In fact, the more he thought about it, the more he knew it was the right thing to do.
“I’m going to adopt him.”
“What? Mate, are you mental? You can’t just adopt a kid! ‘Specially a werewolf!” Ron hesitated, then delivered what he obviously expected to be the clincher. “Ginny’ll never go for it. Not in a million years, mate.”
Harry’s chin was up. “It’s not her decision.”
Harry found out the very next day just how much Ginny didn’t go for the idea of adopting Teddy, when she turned up at Grimmauld Place, hands on hips, looking scarily like her mother scolding the twins. “Harry Potter, just what is this I’ve been hearing? About you adopting a werewolf?” Her voice had taken on an unpleasantly shrill tone.
Harry winced. “I’m not adopting a werewolf, I’m adopting Teddy.”
“And just when did you plan on consulting me about this?”
Harry squared his shoulders. “Never, actually. It’s my decision. If you’ve got a problem with it, then I’m sorry. But my mind’s made up.”
“Harry Potter, I am eighteen years old! If you think for one minute that I am going to give up my career plans and settle down to raising a child that isn’t even ours – “
Harry smiled in relief. So that was what this was all about! “Don’t be daft, I wouldn’t ask you to do that! I’ll give up work and look after Teddy.”
It didn’t have the effect he’d hoped for. “What? Harry, you’d be a laughing-stock! Men don’t give up their jobs to raise children! You’re supposed to be an Auror – “
“Supposed to be? Says who, precisely?” Harry was a bit annoyed now.
“Oh, for Merlin’s sake, Harry, you can’t just give everything up like this! Haven’t you got any ambition?”
Harry’s voice took on a dangerous edge. “Well, I killed a Dark Lord, what other ambitions do you think I should have?”
Ginny flushed. “You’re supposed to make something of yourself! Be somebody! How do you think I’ll feel, married to a man who just sits at home all day playing with a child that isn’t even his?”
Harry was furious. “Well, it’s just as well I never proposed to you then, isn’t it?”
Ginny was bright red now. It wasn’t a good look on her. “Well, that’s just fine, because I certainly wouldn’t accept you!” With a loud crack, she apparated away.
A much-needed headache potion and a quick owl to the Ministry later, Harry was just about to head off to try and get Teddy when Hermione flooed in looking concerned.
“Harry? I think we need to talk about this Teddy thing.”
OK, so that put him on edge with her for a start. “Thing? So he’s a thing, is he?”
“That’s not what I meant at all! Oh, Harry, how could you think that?” Hermione looked hurt, and suddenly the moral high ground wasn’t looking so attractive any more.
“I’m sorry, Hermione. It’s just, everyone’s been so bloody negative about me adopting him. Ron, Ginny…”
Hermione’s mouth set. “I’ve just had Ginny crying on my shoulder about this. She said – well, perhaps you’d better tell me your side of the story.”
“Don’t know what she’s got to cry about. She made it quite clear that if I didn’t have some high-flying career I wasn’t good enough for her.”
Hermione sighed. “You’ve got to understand where she’s coming from, Harry. You know the Weasleys have never had much money – I think she’s always dreamed that when she married, things would be different.”
“It’s not just the money! I’ve got money, for Christ’s sake! She said I’d be a, a laughing-stock for wanting to look after Teddy myself, instead of having a career! She seems to think I should be some bloody over-achiever just so she can brag about it to her friends!” Harry stopped, breathing hard. “I don’t get it, Hermione. I thought she’d understand about family, and how I can’t just abandon Teddy because it’d be more convenient to. But now all this has come out, I’m not sure if anything I thought about her was true.”
“Oh, Harry. Don’t you see, she’s still very young? She’s always been the baby of the family, after all. And honestly, Harry, this is quite a big thing for her to accept. Even if you’re the one looking after Teddy, it’s bound to have a huge impact on her life too if you’re together. Maybe if you give her a bit more time – “
“Teddy hasn’t got time, Hermione. Look, I don’t want to talk about it any more, OK? I’ve – I’ve got to go, all right?”
The harassed-looking witch at the Ministry’s Department for Unwanted Minors and their Placement looked up as Harry entered her office. “Mr Potter! I’m dreadfully sorry, there’s been a bit of a misunderstanding. I’m afraid Teddy Lupin isn’t available for adoption any more. He was picked up only this morning. However, we do have a number of other unwanted babies – “
Harry couldn’t believe it. “Look, I didn’t come here because I just fancied getting any old baby. I want to adopt Teddy because I care about him. I’m sorry if there’s other orphans, but I’m just here for Teddy.” He paused. “Who’s taken him? I mean, if it’s someone who just came and got him because they thought no one else would, maybe I could come to some agreement with them? I don’t want to lose touch - I’m his godfather, after all.”
“You’re his godfather? Oh dear. This is a mess. It wasn’t in the records.” She looked at Harry as if it was his fault. “Well, of course as godfather you’d have prior claim, but seeing as Mr Snape’s already taken him – “
“Snape? Snape’s got Teddy? We are talking Severus Snape here, aren’t we: tall, dark, miserable as hell, hates children?”
“Mr Snape is a decorated war hero, you know,” she replied huffily.
“Of course I bloody know! I was there too, remember? I’m the one who got him that bloody medal!”
“Well then, I’m sure little Eddy will be adequately looked after. Now, are you certain you wouldn’t like to take one of the others? We have some very pretty little girls - ”
“Look, just give me Snape’s address. You do bother to take addresses from the people you hand the kids over to, right? I’ll go and talk to him.”
Harry left, promising himself he’d also have a good long talk with Hermione about forgetting about the bloody house elves and doing something for the orphans instead.
The address seemed vaguely familiar. Spinner’s End. It was a grim-looking Northern terrace, the kind Harry had seen on telly on the rare occasions when Aunt Petunia had allowed him to stay in the living room while the family were watching Coronation Street. Harry hadn’t thought houses like that actually existed anywhere. It made Little Whinging look like a bloody paradise.
Snape lived in the end cottage. It looked even worse than the rest, the paint peeling and the tiny scrap of garden at the front overgrown with weeds. The windows looked like they hadn’t been cleaned since the industrial revolution and were hung with grimy net curtains, presumably for peering out at your neighbours from behind.
Harry was appalled. This was where Teddy was supposed to grow up?
A thought struck him. This, presumably, was where Snape had grown up. Christ, no wonder he’d turned out such a miserable bastard.
Harry hesitated, then knocked on the door. Nothing happened. He waited a long time, uncertain, then knocked again. After an even longer wait, the door opened a crack, and Snape’s unmistakeable nose poked suspiciously round the edge of it. “What do – you? What the hell are you doing here, Potter?”
“I’m here about Teddy. You have got him, haven’t you?” Harry was feeling at a distinct disadvantage here and was uneasily certain it showed in his voice.
“Teddy Lupin is my responsibility now, and as such no concern of yours. Good day.” Snape began to shut the door in Harry’s face.
“Wait a minute!” Harry protested, trying to keep the door open by wedging his foot in the gap. It hurt. “I’m his godfather! The witch at the Ministry said that meant I had a prior claim.”
Snape glared at him. “Be that as it may, Potter, you are too late. Teddy is mine now.” Again, he tried to close the door.
Harry was having none of it. “Look, at least let me see him now I’m here!”
Snape seemed to be searching for a reason to refuse him, or possibly weighing up the consequences should he hex Harry’s foot off so that he could close the door, but at length he resignedly opened the door fully and indicated brusquely that Harry should enter.
“You may have five minutes. However, you will be quiet, and you will not wake him. I have only just succeeded in getting him to sleep.”
Harry had the dark thought that since he really couldn’t imagine Snape singing lullabies, he really hoped the bloke hadn’t resorted to potions instead.
Snape led him through a dingy hallway and up a steep staircase to a tiny box bedroom. It held a cot with, sure enough, Teddy sleeping in it. Harry just looked at him for a minute, his heart aching for the orphaned little boy.
“So. You have seen him. Now, will you depart?” Snape’s voice might be soft, so as not to wake the sleeping child, but it was not a whit more friendly than it had been on the doorstep.
“I – look, I need to talk to you. Downstairs, OK?”
The look on Snape’s face showed clearly that it was far from OK, but that he didn’t want to have a scene in Teddy’s bedroom. He closed his eyes briefly, looking pained, then led Harry back downstairs.
“Very well, Potter. You have three minutes remaining. Speak.”
Harry tried to gather his thoughts hurriedly. “Why are you doing this? Why take Teddy in at all, for god’s sake? It’s not like you ever even liked Remus – “
“My personal relationships with Teddy’s parents are no concern of yours!” Snape snapped, his eyes darkening with rage. Harry sighed in exasperation.
“Fine. But why would you want to adopt Teddy anyway? You hate kids!”
“Mr Potter, I would advise you very strongly not to presume you know anything whatsoever about my likes and dislikes!”
“I think having had you as a teacher gives me a right to presume I know something about how you feel about kids! You were always a total bastard to the students at Hogwarts, admit it!”
Snape went white, and Harry realised he’d gone too far. “Look, I’m sorry, OK? It’s just, I went along to the Ministry all ready to adopt Teddy – I even owled them first – and then that stupid cow at DUMP just turns round and says, oops, sorry, gave him away already. I think I’ve got a right to be a bit upset!”
Some of the colour had returned to Snape’s face. “You had planned to adopt him?” He sounded strangely uncertain, but then seemed to pull himself together. “Absurd. You are barely more than a child yourself!”
“So? We’d have something in common, then, wouldn’t we? And I – look, I’m fond of him, OK? I’ve been going round to see him practically every week – in fact, I can’t believe Andromeda didn’t tell me she was just going to dump him on the Ministry like a bag of old clothes!”
Snape snorted. “I imagine she was not feeling especially proud of herself at the time. But seriously, Potter, how can you have imagined you would cope with adopting a child, let alone a werewolf child? Did it never occur to you how much of an obstacle it would prove to your plans to become Chief Auror at an unfeasibly early age? And I cannot envision the little Weasley girl being too happy at putting her Quidditch plans on hold to raise the brat.”
“Don’t call him a brat. And for your information, Ginny and I have split up, and I’m quitting Auror training. I want to adopt Teddy so that I can raise him, not so I can dump him off on anyone else.”
“And how did you plan to cope with his monthly transformations?”
That was a bit of a sore point. Harry hadn’t, actually, come up with a suitable plan – yet. He’d just wanted to get Teddy back home, and then he could think about it. After all, the next full moon was over two weeks away.
“So what about you?” he countered. “Going to dose him up with wolfsbane?”
“Don’t be absurd. The composition of that formulation makes it entirely unsuitable for a child. He will have to be contained, obviously, and sedated so as not to cause harm to himself.”
OK, so Snape had planned it all out far better than Harry had. Didn’t mean he was the best person to look after an orphaned child. Here Harry had a thought. “Hey, how are you going to manage for money, anyway? I heard you’re doing potions supply work now – how are you going to manage that with Teddy here?”
Snape glared. “I shall have to reduce my commitments, it is true. However, I believe I shall be able to make enough money to support us both by working whilst he sleeps. We do not all have inherited wealth upon which to rely.”
Only Snape could make Harry’s parents having left him a bit of money sound like something he should be ashamed of.
“You’ll be exhausted, you know that? Have you got any idea how tiring a toddler can be? I’ve been knackered, sometimes, just trying to keep up with him for an afternoon.”
“Then you should be grateful I have removed the burden of his care from your under-developed shoulders.”
“You don’t get it, do you? Teddy’s not a burden, OK? I want to look after him. I want him to have a happy childhood, not grow up with people who hate him – for whatever reason. And I still don’t get why you even want him!”
Snape’s face was as closed off as ever. “My reasons are my own, Potter.” He sighed. “However, I would be amenable to allowing you to babysit when the need arises.”
Harry blinked. He’d just had an idea, but… was it a good one? Or had he gone completely off his rocker?
“Why don’t we try, um, joint custody?” he began.
“What?”
“Look, just hear me out. If we both take care of him, he gets the best of both worlds, right? And neither of us has to do it all single-handed. I could look after him while you’re brewing up potions and stuff.”
“And what of your Auror training? Or were you envisaging some kind of shift-work?”
“I told you, I’m giving that up anyway.” Harry paused, looking away. “I think – I think I was just doing that because everyone expected me to, you know? And like you said, I have inherited money, so I can afford not to work for a few years. Maybe when Teddy’s a bit older, I’ll have a clearer idea of what I really want to do.”
Snape’s resistance seemed to be waning. He rallied, however: “And living accommodation? I can assure you I would not countenance you moving in here!”
Harry looked around at the peeling, damp-stained wallpaper and furniture that had probably been old and battered when Snape was growing up here, and privately thought there was no way on this earth he’d bloody countenance it either. “That’s, um, OK. But hey, you could move in to Grimmauld Place, there’s loads of room,” he added, more out of a desire to have Teddy living with him full-time or because he hated the thought of anyone, even Snape, having to live in this depressing place, Harry wasn’t sure. “The basement’s still set up as a potions lab from when it was Order HQ, you know,” he added persuasively.
Snape was looking rather shell-shocked. “You wish me to… move in with you?”
Well, when you put it like that, no, thought Harry, but he did want Teddy, and even Snape, out of this hovel, so he said, “Yeah, I do.”
Snape’s eyes narrowed. “I will not pay rent.”
“Wouldn’t dream of asking,” Harry reassured him. It was true enough; he’d be scared Snape’d hex his bollocks off if he dared ask him for money. “So – you’ll do it?” he asked, heart thumping inexplicably, “and we’ll look after Teddy together?”
Snape sighed. Now that Harry really looked at him, Snape actually looked dreadfully tired, which was odd, because surely now the war was over he was under less strain?
“I will agree to a trial period.”
Harry grinned. “Great! Um, do you need any help packing?”
It actually seemed to work OK, Snape moving in to Grimmauld Place. He seemed to think that as he was, in a sense, a guest, he ought to behave a little better to Harry, his host, than he would otherwise have done, and Harry certainly wasn’t complaining. It took a bit of trial and error, but they managed to come to an agreement on the division of domestic duties – helped immensely, of course, by the fact that Kreacher was there to do all the really unpleasant and/or boring tasks.
Kreacher would have been quite happy to cook for them every night, but Harry insisted he take weekends off this particular duty at least. It kept Hermione happy, and it amused Harry no end, on Sunday nights when he cooked, to watch Snape struggling between the conflicting desires of (a) being polite to his host and (b) never giving Harry a compliment if he could possibly help it.
Of course, Harry’s treatment of Kreacher was about the only thing Hermione was happy about.
“Harry, you’re letting that boy run your entire life! I know Teddy’s very sweet, and I know you were fond of Remus, but it’s not like he’s your own child – “
“You just don’t get it, do you? He is my child. In every way that counts. I love him, Hermione. I’d die for him, and I’m not – not being melodramatic, or something.” He grinned. “Well, maybe a bit. But don’t you see, he’s my family now?”
Hermione just sighed. Hesitantly, she changed the subject.
“You know, Harry, Ron’s been – well, he was quite upset about you splitting up with Ginny.”
Harry coloured, faintly. He’d been feeling bad about that too. It was one of the reasons he’d suggested to Hermione when he owled her that just the two of them should get together.
“Is he mad at me?”
“No! No, of course not. After all, it was she who split up with you, not the other way around. But I don’t think any of them realised just how awkward it was going to be for her – after all, the whole wizarding world’s been expecting you two to get married – and Ron was really keen for you to be properly part of the family.”
“You think I wasn’t keen too?” Harry looked away. “I hate this, Hermione. I hate how I ended up having to choose – Teddy or the Weasleys.”
Hermione’s voice was sharp. “Not Teddy or Ginny?”
Harry felt his face get even hotter. “Look, I did like her, OK? It wasn’t just – you know. I wasn’t using her.”
“But you weren’t really in love with her?” The voice was soft, now.
Harry couldn’t look at her. “I just – I dunno what’s wrong with me, Hermione. I tried – I really did. It all seemed like it’d be so perfect – you and Ron, me and Ginny – and I thought she loved me, so it didn’t matter if I didn’t love her, I could still make her happy. But then she came out with all that stuff about what I ought to be doing and I thought, she doesn’t love me at all; she’s still got a bloody crush on the Boy Who Lived! And then, when she stormed off –” He broke off, steeling himself to look Hermione in the eye and continue, “when she left, I was just relieved.”
“Oh, Harry.” Hermione put her arms around him. “You can’t stay with someone you don’t love, just because it’s what everyone expects. It would never have worked.”
She paused, and looked him quizzically in the eye. “There isn’t anyone else, is there? I mean, of course I don’t think you were unfaithful to Ginny – but is there someone you, well, fancy?”
Harry grinned ruefully. “Yeah, right. Because I’ve always been such a ladies’ man, haven’t I? No, there’s no one. To be honest, what with Teddy and Snape and everything, I haven’t even thought about girls lately.”
Hermione raised an eyebrow – when had she learned how to do that? “Well, you know, oranges are not the only fruit,” she said bafflingly.
After Hermione had gone, Harry couldn’t help thinking about what they’d been talking about. It hadn’t really struck him until they’d spoken about it, just how disinterested he’d been in the opposite sex lately.
It wasn’t even that he didn’t get to meet girls – Teddy seemed to provide an instant introduction to women of all ages, when he took him out to the swings or for a play in the park. Most of them seemed to assume he was a male nanny – a manny, as he’d heard more than one of them call him. He supposed it was because of his age. He’d got a real kick out of telling them Teddy was his – OK, so it wasn’t true in the sense they probably took it, but he wasn’t going to explain about the adoption to everyone he had a casual conversation with.
Of course, that brought its own problems – people would keep asking about Teddy’s mum, and after explaining she’d died Harry kept ending up with a lot of misplaced sympathy. In the end, he decided to go with “I’m raising him with a friend.”
He’d felt a bit of an idiot when he’d realised that everyone just assumed that meant he was gay. In fact, some of the Muggle mums he’d got to know started talking about having seen Teddy out with “your partner,” with just the faintest look of surprise on their faces at just who that “partner” had turned out to be.
Harry didn’t bother to correct them. OK, so if Snape ever found out he was allowing people to think Harry was his toy-boy, poor little Teds was probably going to be mourning a parent again, but somehow Harry couldn’t see Snape exchanging chit-chat with the mums in the park, so he reckoned he was safe.
It was pretty funny really, the thought of him and Snape. Harry thought he’d have to mention it to Hermione – after all, the bloke had hated him almost as long as he’d known him, had hated the father he closely resembled for a lot longer than that, and had been in love with his mum. The thought of him wanting to be with Harry was so bloody ridiculous…
Harry decided to get an early night. For some reason, he was feeling really tired, now.
Snape turned out to be a lot better with Teddy than Harry would ever have expected. True, he wasn’t much for silly games, but then Harry excelled at these, so Snape didn’t need to be, did he? But he was brilliant at getting Teddy to sleep – he’d read to him for hours, whereas Harry just used to get bored – and he actually seemed to genuinely care about Teddy.
Harry couldn’t work it out. As far as he knew, Teddy was nothing to Snape. Why should he care about him at all? But it was easy to see that he did – and what was more, it was easy to see just how much Teddy doted on him too.
Harry had been shocked when he realised Snape was encouraging Teddy to call him “Papa”. When Harry referred to himself, he just used his name, which Teddy had shortened to a more manageable, but still recognisable, “Hay”. But Snape, it seemed, was Papa. Well, “Bapa”, actually, but the intent was clear. Harry felt irrationally jealous.
It bothered him.
It bothered him even more that he couldn’t have said who, or what, he was more jealous of.
That was before Snape came home with a teddy for Teddy, which was promptly, and mysteriously, christened Guppy, and Harry realised he was mostly jealous of the way Snape seemed so fond of Teddy that he’d lower his dignity enough to go into a toyshop and buy a stuffed animal, and then come up with a bloody stupid name for it. It was just so… un-Snapelike, although clearly Harry really didn’t know Snape as well as he thought he did.
And why should that be such a troubling thought?
It was a few days after this that Harry really got to thinking. He’d just watched Snape – Snape – singing softly to Teddy before putting him down in his cot for a nap, and the thought just struck him. The more he thought about it, the more plausible it seemed. Snape, wanting a child? Snape, wanting to be called “Papa”? It just didn’t make sense, unless….
“Look, I’ve been thinking about it, and I’ve sort of got a theory.” Harry was over at Hermione’s, having arranged to spend the afternoon with her and Ron. He’d been worried, at first, that things might be awkward between him and Ron, but it seemed Hermione had been right, and Ron didn’t blame him for the break-up with Ginny, which had been a huge relief. What with Teddy, and giving up Auror training, he didn’t get to see his mates so much these days, and he certainly didn’t want to lose any of them, especially not his best mate.
“What if,” here Harry paused dramatically, “Snape’s Teddy’s real dad?”
Harry didn’t get the reaction he had been hoping for. Ron and Hermione just looked at him with identically concerned expressions on their faces.
“Um, Harry?” Hermione said at last. “Teddy’s a werewolf.”
“Well yeah, I know that – “
“And Snape isn’t. Do you really think Remus would have infected him after birth?”
Oh. Put like that, it did sound a bit, well, stupid.
“Anyway, mate,” Ron put in, “Tonks and Snape? Can you seriously imagine that for one minute?”
“Why not?” Harry was a little indignant.
“Snape? Come on mate, he’s hardly love’s young dream, is he?” Ron laughed, and even Hermione was trying to hide a smile. Harry felt angry.
“I thought girls were supposed to like the bad boys. Want to save them, or something.”
Ron sniggered. “Well, boy’s hardly appropriate for Snape, is it? And honestly, mate, who’d want to save Snape? I mean, I know he was on our side really and all that, but he’s still a total git. And can you imagine waking up to that face in the morning?” Ron mimed throwing up.
“Listen, mate, he may not be the best looking bloke in the world, but at least he didn’t decide half-way through the war that he couldn’t be bothered spying any more and just do a bunk!”
Ron stopped laughing abruptly and turned an ugly shade of red. “That is out of order, Harry! I came back, didn’t I? And when did you get so bloody fond of Snape?”
Hermione was looking really upset. Harry sighed. “Look, I’m sorry, OK? I didn’t mean – anything. It’s just, Snape’s been really great with Teddy, and – I s’pose I’m just not comfortable making fun of him like we used to.”
“Harry’s right, Ron. Professor Snape’s earned our respect.” Hermione put in earnestly.
Harry was grateful for the support, he just wished she didn’t have to sound so bloody preachy about it.
“And I’ve got to live with the bloke. Imagine what it’d be like if he found out we’d been laughing about him?”
It was true enough. So why did he feel so dishonest putting it that way?
Harry still felt out of sorts after he’d got home. It didn’t help that Snape was in a foul mood too; making snide remarks about the Weasleys over dinner and muttering about how he’d thought Harry was no longer planning to join that already oversized family. Harry couldn’t be bothered to argue, and eventually slammed his fork down. “Yeah. Right. Whatever. Come on Teds, lets go play.”
A few daft games with a ball and a levitation charm later, Harry was in a much better mood. After he’d calmed Teddy down with a bath and put him to bed (and been unceremoniously dumped by his son in favour of “Bapa” who was apparently much better at reading Teddy’s bedtime “dory”) he was left wondering what to do with himself.
Picking up an old Quidditch magazine, Harry started to flick through it. There was a feature on the Holyhead Harpies, with pictures of all the players looking glammed-up to the nines. Harry hadn’t bothered reading this one before, but now he decided to have a look. There were nine of them altogether, including substitutes, all of them pretty fit – one of them had to be his type, surely? Maybe if he worked that out, he’d have some idea why he just didn’t seem to be interested in girls at the moment.
All the women were grinning madly as they waved at the camera. The captain and Chaser was spectacularly well-endowed, her boobs bouncing as she waved her arm. Harry turned that page hurriedly. The Keeper was – well, statuesque was probably the word. About a foot taller than Harry, which wasn’t so bad, but also about two feet wider (all of it solid muscle) which wasn’t much of a turn-on. Harry was quite aware he was still a bit of a scrawny runt; he didn’t need any comparisons to point that out, thank you very much.
The Seeker was typically petite. That didn’t do a lot for him either. Abruptly Harry tired of this game, and he flicked ahead to the article on Oliver Wood. He’d read it before, but he didn’t mind reading it again. And the picture of Oliver was fantastic; he looked like he’d really filled out since school, and the tan really suited him. Harry shifted in his seat a little.
Suddenly Harry felt like a Bludger had flown off the page right into his stomach.
He flicked back to the picture of the Harpies’ captain. Nothing.
Back to Wood. (And wasn’t that name just oozing innuendo?) He could look at that picture all day…
Bloody. Hell.
Well, it certainly explained his lack of interest in girls. And why the Muggle mums had been so quick to assume he was gay.
Because unlike you, they’re not totally clueless, he told himself dazedly.
Chapter Two
The day of the full moon, which had seemed so far away, suddenly seemed to rush along in defiance of all laws of time. Teddy was fretful all day, which Harry put down to his body’s sensing the approaching change, but Snape blamed squarely on Harry being wound up tighter than Hermione on the night before her Newts, and communicating his tension to the poor little boy.
They’d set up a cage in a corner of the basement, having moved some of Snape’s lab equipment to accommodate it. That way they could still be with Teddy to reassure him when he changed, but without being in any danger from him.
They’d been letting him play in it from time to time so it wouldn’t seem strange to him on the night of the full moon. Actually, as a playpen it had come in pretty handy, on those occasions when Harry was out and one of Snape’s potions needed attention. Teddy even seemed to like it.
Harry hoped that wasn’t going to change drastically after tonight.
They’d settled him in there tonight just before moonrise, with a few toys the local pet shop had sworn were indestructible even by Rottweiler puppies. Teddy hadn’t seemed unwilling to go in the cage, but now he was there he wasn’t his usual playful self - he just sat on the floor turning one of the new toys over and over in his hands.
Abruptly, Teddy began to wail.
It was unlike any cry Harry had ever heard from him before. He sounded – desolate, as if his little heart was breaking with unbearable sorrow, and all Harry wanted was to open the cage and put his arms around the little boy. He moved involuntarily towards Teddy – only to be held back by a firm hand on his shoulder and a seemingly emotionless voice saying, “Steady, Potter. You cannot help him through this.”
Harry felt suddenly furious with Snape for being so bloody calm about it all. How could he just sit there unmoved while Teddy went through the most unimaginable pain? He turned to Snape to lash out at him in anger, but the impulse died as he took in Snape’s clenched jaw, the hard lines around his eyes. Oh no, he wasn’t unmoved. Just controlling himself a damn sight better than Harry was. Fury drained away, to be replaced by guilt, and Harry turned back to watch his little boy, whose cries had increased in intensity until Harry felt each one drill a hole into his soul.
Wailing turned, unbearably, to screaming – and suddenly, Teddy was changing.
Harry watched dumbfounded as Teddy’s chubby little face lengthened, his body shifted and became covered in coarse fur – and quite suddenly, almost before Harry had noticed the screaming had stopped, a little wolf-cub was standing there on all fours, whining softly in uncertainty.
Harry sighed, relieved the worst was over. “Teddy?” he called softly, wondering if the cub would recognise his name. Teddy certainly reacted, but whether to the name or merely to the sound of a voice was hard to tell.
“Potter? That is not Teddy. Not in any way that matters. He is an animal, with the instincts of his kind and no memory of either of us.” The tone was warning. “And if either of us should be foolish enough to allow him to bite us, we will become as he is. Now, I suggest you pass him his food very carefully.”
There was a small gap under the bars at the front of the cage for that purpose, warded to allow nothing living to pass. Harry gingerly pushed the tray of water and puppy-food inside the cage. Initially, Teddy snarled at him and fled to the farthest corner, but after a while he returned and began to sniff at the tray cautiously, finally trying some of the food.
Harry breathed another sigh of relief. “At least – he doesn’t seem too unhappy about it all,” he said.
Snape nodded. “He is fortunately too young as yet to chafe against the restrictions of the cage. However, that day will come, and most likely sooner than you think.” He paused. “You may as well go to bed, Potter. I will remain. There is no need for both of us to lose a night’s sleep.”
“Nah, s’OK. I don’t think I’d be able to sleep anyway. But you go, if you want.”
Snape just nodded at that, but as he didn’t go anywhere Harry supposed that meant they were both there for the night.
It was surprisingly companionable. They talked more than Harry would have thought possible – first about the obvious, like what kind of potions Snape could give Teddy to make things better for him, and why you couldn’t give Wolfsbane to kids – and then about more wide-ranging topics. Snape even mentioned his schooldays, once or twice.
As the early hours approached, conversation became more and more sporadic. Occasionally one or other of them would go to fetch mugs of tea. Harry wasn’t aware he’d nodded off until he felt Snape nudge him. “Potter. I believe he is about to return to us.”
Harry woke up hurriedly. Teddy, who’d been pretty quiet most of the night, occasionally lapping at his water bowl or playing with his puppy-toys, was now pacing the floor restlessly.
Suddenly, and with far less fanfare than the previous evening, Teddy transformed. It seemed a lot quicker this way round, and instead of the inconsolably howling toddler Harry had feared they might be faced with, the cage was now occupied by a slightly surprised looking little boy, who beamed when he saw them, and toddled over to reach through the bars.
“Doesn’t it hurt to change back, then?” Harry asked, relieved, as he unlocked the cage door and scooped up the giggling Teddy.
“Apparently not. I believe it is not well understood, even amongst werewolves themselves, but the transformation back to human is merely a reversion to the natural state, which may explain why it appears to be painless.”
If Harry had been hoping Teddy would be tired out by all his transforming and would want to go straight to bed, he was disappointed, but the afternoon nap did last for four hours instead of the usual two, for which they were all grateful.
After all, they had it all to do again for the next two nights.
By the end of the three full-moon nights, Harry felt somehow a lot closer to both Teddy and Snape. He thought Snape felt it too, but it was, as always, a bit hard to tell with him. Snape, he decided, had probably expected Harry to jump at the chance to get out of being with Teddy while he was all wolfy, and had been impressed (or at least, unexpectedly not displeased) when Harry had insisted on sticking through it all.
One lazy Sunday afternoon shortly afterwards, Harry and Snape were chatting quite comfortably as Teddy played on the rug. After a companionable pause, Harry broached a subject he’d been thinking about for a while.
“It’s funny, you know, Remus’ son ending up living here. You see, I always wondered if Remus and Sirius were – you know, more than friends.”
Snape frowned. “I suggest, Potter, you think very carefully before spreading that kind of calumny about Teddy’s father.”
“I – what?”
“The boy is a wizard. He will, I hope, one day attend Hogwarts, where he will have to contend with prejudice and ostracism as a werewolf and the son of a werewolf. I hardly think he will thank you if you, his adoptive father, add to that burden the suspicion that his true father was a sexual deviant.”
“Deviant? Is that what you really think about gays? Bloody hell, no wonder you were such a bastard to Remus and Sirius – “
“Potter! For once in your life try to use that miserable excuse for a brain residing unhappily in your regrettably thick skull! What I think is irrelevant. What the wizarding world thinks, however, is something Teddy will have to deal with for the rest of his life. And if you go spreading rumours that will add to his pain I will not be responsible for my actions!” Severus was almost spitting now, his face twisted with rage in a way that was frankly scary. Harry backed off.
“Look, I’m not going to say anything to anyone else, OK? I just didn’t realise – “
“You never do, Potter. You never do!”
A few days later, when he thought Severus might have calmed down a bit, Harry plucked up the courage to ask him about the anti-gay prejudice he’d been so vehement about.
He’d been a bit taken aback by Snape’s vitriol. It didn’t bode too well for any future revelations Harry might have been considering making.
“So, um, Snape? Could you tell me a bit more about what the wizarding world thinks of gays? I know you probably think I ought to know all this already, but I have had other things on my mind in the last few years. And you’re always telling me I’m thick, so I probably wouldn’t have picked it up anyway.”
Snape looked at Harry a little oddly. “It cannot have escaped even your notice, Potter, that wizards, when compared to Muggles, are extremely conservative in their ways. Divorce is rare; abortion illegal. To bear a child out of wedlock is a terrible disgrace for a witch. Homosexuality has never been tolerated. The only reason it was never criminalized in the wizarding world is because of Mugwump Scabies’ famous declaration in 1533 that he was damned if he’d have any of the filthy little buggers sullying his courtroom.”
Severus paused. “It must be said however that his subsequent divorce by his wife for being found in a compromising position with a house-elf rather called into question his position as spokesman for the moral majority. Nevertheless, the point remains that most wizards and witches do not look at all kindly upon those found to be engaging in same-sex relations.”
Harry hesitated, but decided, in for a knut, in for a galleon. “So what about you? What do you think about gays?”
Snape’s jaw tightened. “As I have said, my own views upon the matter are irrelevant.”
“Not to me they’re not. We’re bringing up Teddy together, I think I have a right to know what you think about important stuff like this. After all, for all we know he might turn out to be gay.” Harry thought he’d put this rather well, explaining his position without giving anything away.
Severus looked away. Finally he spoke. “If Teddy were to discover his preferences lay in such a direction, then naturally I would be disappointed. One does not wish heartache on one’s child. However, it would make no difference to my own feelings about him.”
“So, you think it’s OK, then, being gay?”
“No, Potter, it is not “OK!” Have you listened to even a single word I have said? To be a homosexual is to lay oneself open to misery and loneliness even if one’s proclivities are not discovered by the world! If that is “OK” then clearly I have sadly mistaken the definition of the term!”
For fuck’s sake. “Snape, I only meant, you don’t think it’s sick and perverted and all that of itself?” He paused again, then thought, sod it, are you a Gryffindor or not?
“So if, say, I told you I was gay, but nobody would ever know so it wouldn’t affect Teddy, would you be OK with that?”
Severus looked tired. “Potter, if you were gay, the whole world would know. Not merely because of the inexplicably prurient interest the masses take in anything Potter, but also because of your congenital inability to keep anything a secret.”
“Bollocks! I can keep a secret! I didn’t tell anyone about the Horcruxes, did I?”
“Perhaps not. But the fact remains that being who you are, you would be highly unlikely to be able to go cruising for sex on Hampstead Heath without attracting a modicum of attention.”
“Bloody hell, Snape! You’ve got a really cynical view of gay men, you know? Just because I’m gay doesn’t mean I like shagging strangers in parks, OK?” Bugger! Had he really just said that? Had he really just told Snape he was gay? God, the bastard was right about his “miserable excuse for a brain”!
Predictably, Snape was looking appalled. Harry wondered miserably if he’d use this to try and get sole custody of Teddy.
“No. No. You are not gay, Potter. It is impossible. It is a trick.” Snape looked at him then, and if Harry had been frightened by the intensity in those eyes earlier in the day, he was downright bloody terrified now. “You are not gay!”
Bewildered, Harry could only stare as Snape wheeled around and left the room, slamming the door behind him. What the hell was all that about?
Harry hadn’t put any details into the note he’d owled to Hermione, just said he needed to talk to her alone. Actually he had Teddy with him as Severus had been locked in his potions lab ever since their little discussion, but Harry reckoned he could count on the kid’s discretion as all the baby books agreed he was at least a year away from being able to talk in full sentences.
After they’d flooed over to Hermione’s flat and Harry had settled Teddy on the floor with some toys, he looked at her expectant expression and realised it was time to get to the point. “Hermione? If I tell you something, will you promise not to say anything about it to Ron? It’s just that it’s really important and I can’t deal with worrying about how he’s going to take it right now.”
“Of course, Harry.” She hesitated. “Although if it’s that important, you probably ought to think about telling Ron too, you know.”
“I will, OK? Just – not now.” They’d made up after the last unfortunate conversation, each of them muttering apologies, but things still weren’t quite – easy between them. Certainly not easy enough for this.
Harry took a deep breath. “Hermione? I’m gay.”
He’d been prepared for horror, disbelief, even indifference – but what he got was an armful of Hermione as she did her best to squeeze the life out of him with a hug. “Oh Harry, I’m so proud of you for finally admitting it!”
Huh? She’d known? “You knew?”
“Well, I’ve suspected for a little while. Ever since you told me you never thought about girls – honestly Harry, that’s just not normal for a straight boy your age. And there’s been one or two things Ginny said – how you always treated her more like a friend than a girlfriend, for instance. And with hindsight, the way you reacted to kissing Cho really should have given us all a clue!”
“Um, so does anyone else, er, suspect?”
“Oh, I don’t think so. And don’t worry, I haven’t said a thing to anyone. I know the wizarding world has some ridiculous attitudes, so I’d never have outed you before you were ready. You do realise this is going to be so important for all the other gay wizards? Harry Potter, the Boy Who Lived, coming out! You’ll be an inspiration!”
Harry was horrified. The last thing he wanted was to be turned into some poster boy for bent wizards! “Look, Hermione, I’m not exactly coming out in public. I haven’t just got myself to think about now, you know that.”
Hermione pursed her lips disapprovingly. “Don’t you think the best thing you can do for Teddy is help him grow up in a world free of prejudice of any kind?”
“Hermione! I could lose him over this! What if the ministry decide a queer’s not fit to look after a child? What if Snape gives them that line? It – it may already be too late on that one. Snape knows.”
“You told him first?” Hermione sounded a little put out.
“It just slipped out, OK?” Harry defended himself.
“How did he take it?”
“Not very well. Called me a liar and stormed off.”
“That’s interesting.”
“Is it? Just seemed worrying to me.”
Back at Grimmauld Place the next day, Snape seemed to have decided that the appropriate response to Harry’s little confession was to ignore him completely. After several hours of this, Harry couldn’t stand it any longer. He had to know what – if anything - Snape planned to do about it.
“Er, Snape? Can we talk?”
Sigh. “I doubt I shall be able to stop you.”
After counting to ten, Harry continued. “I meant about – what I said yesterday. About being gay. I just need to know if you’re going to – do anything about it.”
“If you are hoping I can prepare some kind of potion that might cure you – “
“No! I don’t need a bloody cure because I’m not bloody ill!” At least Snape seemed to have accepted his statement as fact, now. “I meant – oh, bloody hell, are you going to use it to try and get sole custody of Teddy?”
Snape was silent for a moment. “Potter. I do not pretend to understand what prompted your absurd pronouncement of earlier, but you may rest assured, I have no intention of using anything you may have said to me to try and remove Teddy from your care. It is… it is clear that he is fond of you, and whilst I remain convinced I was fully justified in my earlier misgivings, I must concede that the present arrangement works well. Teddy needs stability in his life and I have no plans to disrupt that merely for the purpose of gratifying my own occasional wishes for your absence.”
“Right. Um, thanks, Snape.” Harry wanted to ask if it made any difference to how Snape felt about him, but he couldn’t think of one single way to put it that didn’t make him sound like a total girl.
Harry didn’t sleep well that night so naturally, next day Teddy refused to go down for his afternoon nap. Guppy was missing. Snape, of course, was out wherever it was he went when he wasn’t in the house so couldn’t be asked where the bloody thing had got to. Not that Harry was finding it particularly easy to talk to Snape these days anyway.
Holding a whinging toddler in one arm did not make for easy searching of the living room, but Harry managed. Guppy wasn’t there. Harry had tried all the usual places (the downstairs loo, the fridge, etc) and bloody Guppy wasn’t bloody there either. He knew Guppy wasn’t in his own room – Teddy hadn’t been in there all morning. So that left Snape’s room.
Which Harry hadn’t been into since it had become Snape’s room. And he was quite sure if he so much as set one foot inside, Snape was likely to hex it off without notice. But this was an emergency, wasn’t it? Teddy needed his nap. Harry was reasonably certain that if Teddy didn’t get his nap, he, Harry, was quite likely to go insane. So a little bit of trespassing was entirely justified, wasn’t it?
Nodding to himself, Harry entered Snape’s room.
It was a bit… bare. Didn’t exactly have that lived-in look. Harry set Teddy down on the floor and looked around for any signs of stuffed bears. He looked around hopefully when Teddy squealed, but it was just at one of Snape’s threadbare slippers. Harry left Teddy chewing at it thoughtfully, and carried on his search.
It didn’t take long. Didn’t Snape have any, well, stuff? It was a bit depressing to think the bloke had been so busy serving his two masters he hadn’t had time to have a life. No family photos, no holiday souvenirs. No remnants of half-forgotten hobbies. Of course, he could have left things at Spinner’s End, but looking back, Harry couldn’t remember a right lot of clutter there either.
Only the wardrobe and the chest of drawers were left. The wardrobe was locked by a key too high for Teddy to turn, but the drawers – they were possible. Harry hesitated, then opened one. He was faced with a few odd jars and a meagre, but neatly-folded selection of Snape’s smalls. Harry closed the drawer hastily. He could just imagine the scenes if Snape caught him ogling his underwear.
The next drawer down held socks, razors, and bizarrely, a copy of a Quidditch magazine. It was the one with the really hot picture of Oliver Wood in it, Harry noted absently. He blinked. Snape was into Quidditch? It wasn’t like he ever talked about it. The last drawer, however, held various odds and ends, including some old photographs. Harry knew he shouldn’t, but he couldn’t seem to stop himself from taking them out, and looking at them.
There was one of his mum, looking much younger than any picture of her he’d seen before. There was one of a boy about Harry’s own age who looked a bit like Sirius, but there was no name on the picture. He looked nice, though, smiling at the camera.
For some reason that last picture made Harry feel very strongly he was intruding on something private, so he roughly gathered the pictures back together and shoved them back in the drawer. As he did so, his eye was caught by the last line of a letter that had been lying under the pictures.
It said, with the hope that you may one day forgive me, Remus.
What the hell was that about?
Knowing he shouldn’t, Harry was still unable to stop himself reaching for the letter.
It was quite short.
Severus,
If you are reading this, then I must be dead.
I have left this letter with my lawyer (and yes, I know you’re wondering how I can afford one. He’s a family friend, as it happens) to be delivered to you in the event of my death, which in these uncertain times seems increasingly likely.
I find I cannot, in conscience, leave this world without apologising to you for my conduct, all those years ago when we were in school together. You were quite right, all those things you accused me of – cowardice, a need to fit in – I cannot deny them. And I will always regret that I did not have the courage to follow my heart. Who knows how different things might have been for both of us, had I only been braver then?
But I do not write to add to your sorrows. Only to say this: I loved you then, Severus, and I still do. Dora is a sweet girl, but my heart is yours, as it ever was.
I’m sorry if this has a bitter taste. I think, Severus, I was never worthy of your love. I hope that one day you will find someone who is braver than I; someone who can give you the love that you deserve.
I only ask – and I know I have forfeited all right to ask anything of you – that for my sake, you will do all you can for Dora and Teddy, should they be in need.
I write with confidence; you are a good man, Severus, although the world has been slow to recognise this.
I wish you every happiness that I have, by my own insecurities, denied myself.
With the hope that you may one day forgive me,
Remus
Harry sat back on his heels, numb. Snape… and Remus? Snape had loved Remus – and been rejected, because Remus didn’t want to acknowledge his sexuality? And Remus had, secretly, loved him all this time?
Snape was gay?
Then why had he been so horrified by Harry’s own admission? It didn’t make sense – unless… was Harry reading too much into this?
No. It couldn’t be.
Could it?
And if he was right… what the hell did Harry think about it?
Bloody. Hell.
Suddenly noticing how quiet it had got, Harry looked round, worried, to see what Teddy was up to.
He’d fallen asleep, sucking his thumb and cuddling Snape’s slipper.
Harry found himself really, really wishing things were so simple when you got older.
When Snape came home, Harry found himself watching the man – what he was hoping to see, he couldn’t have said. Did he fancy Harry? Did Harry want him to?
Was Harry just on the verge of crushing on the first gay wizard he’d knowingly met?
Harry was brought back to reality with a nasty bump when Snape, who’d gone upstairs, presumably for a bath, came storming down the stairs again, the aura of rage about him so thick you could taste it.
“POTTER! What the bloody HELL do you think you were doing, going through my things?
Bloody hell was right, Harry thought despairingly. Why hadn’t he been more careful putting Snape’s stuff back?
Because you got flustered, because you knew what you were doing was wrong, his inner voice told him. It was cold and disapproving and sounded a lot like Snape, in fact.
Yeah, but that’s just daft, isn’t it? Harry told the voice firmly. Knowing how pissed off Snape’d be should’ve made me more careful, not less.
Hm, well, have you considered that perhaps you wanted to be caught?
Bloody hell, even his own brain was mocking him. “You’re mental!” he told it.
“Indeed, Mister Potter? Are you attempting to persuade me that I am merely imagining that my most personal belongings have been rifled through and left in disarray?”
Snape could make a fortune with a voice like that, Harry thought in terrified distraction, hiring it out instead of refrigeration units. Or air-conditioning, in the summer. Be way more environmentally friendly too.
“I – no. I… was talking to myself, actually. It was a really stupid, thoughtless thing to do and I’m really sorry.” Harry wasn’t sure, but he thought the temperature in the room might have risen just slightly, to the point where a glacier wouldn’t have found it too uncomfortably nippy any more. Encouraged, he carried on. “I was looking for Guppy. You know how Teddy can’t sleep without him.”
“And you imagined he was in my room because…?”
“Because I’d tried every-bloody-where else! It was a last resort. And, and the drawers – well, you know how he likes to put things in, um, things.”
“I see. And was Guppy in one of the drawers?”
“Er, no. He actually turned up hours later in that washing machine Hermione made me get put in and Kreacher won’t use. I s’pose Teddy thought he was dirty. Or it looked like a nice den, or something.”
“I see. So tell me, at what point during this perfectly reasonable hunt for a stuffed toy did it become necessary to read my private correspondence?”
Harry took a deep breath. “I saw a photo of my mum, OK? I thought there might be more. Or letters from her, or something. And yeah, I know it was wrong, but it’s not like I’m the only person in the world who’s ever done that kind of thing, is it?”
Snape flushed, tight-lipped. Harry continued. “I wasn’t going to read any of the other letters, I swear I wasn’t. But then I saw that one from Remus, asking you to forgive him, and well… look, I’m only human, all right? And you know I’ve always wondered just why you were so keen to look after Teddy.”
He paused to draw breath. “And you know what? You could’ve, you know, told me – when I, um, told you I was gay, I mean – you could’ve told me you were too. I was shitting myself you were going to, I dunno, out me or something, use it to get Teddy away from me. I mean, the way you talk, anyone would’ve thought you bloody hate gays. But we’re in the same boat here, it’s not like we’re going to use this stuff against each other, is it? So it would’ve been nice to know.”
Snape was looking at him oddly. “Your faith in human nature, Potter, in the face of overwhelming evidence, is touching. So, I am to understand, then, that you believe we should trust one another?”
“Er, yeah.” Well, that had been part of what he’d been getting at. Sort of, anyway.
“I would hope, then, that in the future I might trust you not to pry into my personal affairs.”
He spun on his heels, and went back upstairs.
“Um, well, that went… less badly than expected,” Harry told the kitchen, still slightly shell-shocked.
He felt a bit on-edge around Snape for the next few days, but Snape seemed to go back to treating him much as before – if anything, there were slightly fewer insults.
Harry gave up trying to work it all out.
Chapter Three
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Date: 2008-06-13 11:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-06-13 01:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-24 07:45 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-24 07:58 pm (UTC)Glad you enjoyed it, and I would be very interested to hear what your peeves were! :D
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Date: 2008-10-24 08:41 pm (UTC)I don't like when writers make homosexuality the main focus of a story. ever. it turns homosexuality into something it's not, and generally comes across as portraying it badly. someone, quite awhile back, wrote a journal entry about that, and why it peeved him so bad, which was brilliantly written, which i quite stupidly forgot to add to my memories so now i can't find it. >.<
actually, i think this (http://limyaael.livejournal.com/214314.html) is it. think. probably.
eh. mostly, i'd like to see homosexuality treated as a non issue. prejudice and the like happens, yes, and i wouldn't want someone to *not* put that in, but at the same time, homosexual relationships are *not* about homosexuality. they're about love and understanding. i want the focus on that, not about the cliched textbook coming out story.
granted, you did the coming out thing VERY well. i'm not saying stories of that type are all bad, just that they tend to work the same damn way, when most actual GLBT people have vastly different experiences.
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Date: 2008-10-24 09:09 pm (UTC)I can certainly understand the frustration of someone who is gay at homosexual relationships always being portrayed as something different, almost (speaking literally, rather than judgmentally) abnormal, however pro-gay (if that is the right term) the author may be. As a Buffy fan, I can recall the debate over Tara's death, where a very positive and entirely unsensational representation of a gay relationship ended with a death that many felt betrayed by.
Where I was coming from with this story was a frustration with a number of fanfics assuming that the HP wizarding world would be very liberal in their attitudes, whereas I feel a very repressed and repressive attitude would be more likely (eg the pure-blood Slytherins having no girls on the Quidditch team, witches marrying and having children at a very young age, no single parents, no gay characters etc. JKR simply saying, post publication, that Dumbles was gay does not, in my opinion, cut it).
Plus, of course, Straight-and-horrified!Ron is always fun to play with! ;D
no subject
Date: 2008-10-24 09:41 pm (UTC)And why would wizard society be more accepting than muggle society? Even if they were rather liberal about it, on the whole, that doesn't mean that it'd be something that they'd *all* accept. Even in liberal cultures that accept homosexuality today, there are pockets of people who make a big deal about it if it's a celebrity/role model.
Someone also commented on Mrs. Weasley's attitudes about young witches and sex. And how she treated Hermione when Skeeter wrote that she dumped Harry for Krum! How Ginny's relationships are treated says to me that the younger generation is more liberal, but their parents are still quite conservative when it comes to relationships in general, not just queer ones.
Something I would suggest is to read books, journals, whatever, written by GLBT people about their coming out experiences. One in particular I'd suggest (i have two copies. a hardback for me, and a paperback for loaning out) is Passages of Pride: Lesbian & Gay Youth Come of Age by Kurt Chandler. It's not perfect, and it doesn't cover transgendered kids at all, but it more or less saved my life when i was in school. It let me know that my experiences weren't abnormal even for queers.
This (http://pingyourspaceman.wordpress.com/2008/10/21/media-attention-good-until-its-not/#comments) is a blog entry from someone I know, who's previous entry on that public blog i don't agree with, who writes about how most articles on transgendered youth are cliched, and exactly how and why that's harmful. I completely agree with that post.
no subject
Date: 2010-07-20 10:18 am (UTC)